Ten Questions...A Year Later

I took part in a 10 day question and answer session a year ago, and had my answers emailed to me yesterday.  Quite interesting, and even a bit frustrating, to see how far I had (and hadn't) come in one year.  I thought it would be good to go through my answers from a year ago, and update them here. 

Day 1:

Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?
Your Answer:
Went back to work as a therapist full-time, after a major family team meeting grant was ended after many years. I was initially very upset, but now I'm quite grateful.

A year later:  My agency gave lip service to supporting my transition to therapy, and within six months I grew distressed enough to quit.  About three weeks later I joined another agency which on the whole has turned out to be a much better place for me to work.  

 

Day 2:

Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you're especially proud of from this past year?
Your Answer:
I wish I'd had more energy and paid more attention to my garden on a daily basis. I'm proud, though, that I've done all I could with my health issues.

A year later:  I didn't garden at all this past summer, recognizing that something had to give with the lack of energy.  I decided I'd rather not do it at all than do it half-assed.  I am proudest of the fact that I had the guts to finally walk away from a very dysfunctional workplace, even though I had nothing else on deck.

 

Day 3:

Think about a major milestone that happened with your family this past year. How has this affected you?
Your Answer:
Both of my sons are completely launched now, with full-time jobs/careers and living out of the home. I miss them both, but on the other hand, enjoy this time in my life now too.

A year later:  One son is back home, and has lived here with his girlfriend since late May.  One thing after another has happened (car problems, illness, etc) and neither of them has jobs or any plans to move as of now.  I'm glad that we can provide help for them, but I will be ready to have space and privacy again.

 

Day 4:

Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why?
Your Answer:
The economic downturn. We've been fortunate to keep our jobs in our family, but I feel like I'm surrounded by so many in pain, suffering, hopeless.

A year later:  Certainly, the economic downturn continues to be an issue.  However, the elections this year have become nasty and our home is deeply divided.

 

Day 5:

Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth.
Your Answer:
Our Lenten group this year was such a cohesive, open, sharing group, and I grew through this experience.

A year late:  Spiritually, I have felt somewhat dulled this year.  There's been much in-fighting at our church, and while I wasn't directly involved, it had a ripple effect of distress and disillusionment on me.   We attended a Weekend to Remember couples retreat which was a deep, profound experience.   I feel parched with spiritual thirst, though, uninspired.

Day 6:

Describe one thing you'd like to achieve by this time next year. Why is this important to you?
Your Answer:
Have a correct diagnosis for what ails me, and be well underway with a treatment/management plan.

A year later:  At least have some more answers, if not "the" answer.  Celiac disease, high blood pressure and hypothyroidism, plus having my gall bladder out in emergency surgery were the biggies of the year.  I dropped gluten from my diet, and the pain, neuropathy and bloating went away.  However, it is a VERY tough diet to keep to, especially if you are on the road as much as I am.  I'm going through an adolescent rebellion right now, but eventually I'll get tired of feeling sick, bloated and sluggish, and I'll resign myself to doing what I must.

 

Day 7:

How would you like to improve yourself and your life next year? Is there a piece of advice or counsel you received in the past year that could guide you?
Your Answer:
I want to see my extended family more often. I want to work on my health. I want to exercise more. I want to slow down and breathe.

A year later:  I did none of these things.  If anything, I exercise less and have sped up my work life.  

 

Day 8:

Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully in 2012?
Your Answer:
The local food movement, and supporting local CSAs. Alternative healing that may help me deal with fibromyalgia.

A year later:  I did join a food cooperative, and love shopping there.  G said we could join a CSA next year, since we spent quite a bit on our share in the coop this year.  I've only had one massage this year, just too busy.

Day 9:

What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? How do you plan on letting it go or overcoming it in the coming year?
Your Answer:
A holdover from a past relationship that was very abusive...I am afraid of making my current partner angry, even though he would never abuse me. I am afraid to the point that I bottle my "real" self sometimes and don't share my conflicting viewpoints about things, or stand up for my own needs and wants. I need to take a deep breath and realize that this is okay to do, and in fact, necessary for my soul to survive.

A year later:  It came to a real showdown in January of this year, between G and I, a "shape up or this is over" crossroads.  I did open up, in a very real and explosive way.  I hoped that things would get better between us, and in many ways they have.  

 

Day 10:

When September 2012 rolls around and you receive your answers to your 10Q questions, how do you think you'll feel? What do you think/hope might be different about your life and where you're at as a result of thinking about and answering these questions?
Your Answer:
I hope that I"ll be on the road to better health, and have established some better eating and exercise habits, as well as self-care. I hope I'll be feeling better by then, because I don't feel very well now.

 A year later:  Still struggling.

 

Day 11:

What are your predictions for 2012?
Your Answer:
Andrew will get married.
Ben will get his first apartment.

Andrew is not married, but is unofficially engaged.  Ben is still looking for an affordable apartment that will accept his cat.

Thursday Thirteen

Welcome to my first "Thirteen" posting! 

Thirteen Positive Random Things about This Week

1.  I had  my six month review at work, and "passed" with flying colors!  Yeah me!  Also got a merit increase, which is nice and appreciated.

2.  Also got the okay to go to my first play therapy conference in the middle of September!  Very excited to start in on my certification process. 

3.  First choir rehearsal of the 2012-13 season. 

4.  First choir potluck of the year...someone made a fabulous Dorito salad that this gluten-free girl could eat, and eat I did! 

5.  My BFF, my dog Lucy...stuck by my side like glue the whole time I've been sick and in bed. 

6.  My home has multiple TVs, rooms, etc., so watching the RNC has not been a matter of being a captive audience.

7.  Lavender oil in a hot bath is relaxing aromatherapy for a sore body.  I love you, Aura Cacia!

8.  Cecilia makes delicious and healing chicken soup.

9.  I stood up for myself when I was upset about something and not getting the support I needed and deserved.

10.  I have an air-conditioned home, which was a blessing with 95 degree temps and me not feeling well.

11.  Gluten-free vegan cupcakes rock my world!  Thank you, Wheatsfield Cooperative!

12.  I don't live in Louisiana or Mississippi. 

13.  After one day back at work, I'll have a 3-day weekend in which to recover even more. 

Remember Me? I'm September (tapping on my shoulder)

September used to be kind of a cool month, in my book.  My birthday, football, fall temperatures---great stuff.  Four years ago, September became a nightmare, and I haven't really shaken it since then.

See, my father died four years ago, three days before my birthday.  It was a sudden and shocking death.  I mean, he'd had a heart attack four months prior, but had been doing well since then.  In fact, I'd just seen him over Labor Day weekend, and for the most part all was fine.  Had a great time out at the cabin near Plainfield with all of the family together.

Then he went missing while out fishing a few weeks later.  He just didn't come home.  Search parties went out.  There were dogs out trying to find Dad.  The next morning the helicopters were firing up and they finally found him, in the Cedar.  We were all so numb and in shock that quite honestly I didn't cry for a month.  We just took care of what we had to do, honored Dad as he deserved, and tried to go forward. 

I bottled things for a long time, not wanting to upset anyone, and went through bad bouts of depression, which were aggravated by seasonal affective disorder.  God, what an ugly trick to play:  coinciding Dad's death with shorter days and less sunshine.  Well played.

Every time I think that the sadness is finally gone, it taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that it's still very much there.  Of all the damned things, I about lost it in a CPR class today.  It was my first recertification since dad's death, and I didn't even put one thought into how it might affect me, much less that it would affect me at ALL.

I could not stop the tears from falling down my face, watching the video about heart attack symptoms, thinking of what pain Dad had to go through.  It's bothering me NOW, writing this.  I felt on the edge of bawling my head off, the whole loud sobbing thing, and thought about leaving the training and trying again another time.

Then I said (to myself), Buck UP.  YOU are Tim Shea's daughter, and you will STAY and FACE this, no matter how much it hurts, because you are strong.  And maybe, you'll save someone's life someday and spare them the pain.

So I did it.  And I hope you will too.  It takes so little to learn and get certified in CPR.  Please consider it. 

So "September" arrived a few days early this year.  I'm not going to bottle it anymore.  I'm going to weep and grieve.  Maybe that's what September is for, for now.  But I'm also going to try to find ways to take good care of myself, as well as ways to honor my father. 

A Room of One's Own

I'm finally creating the haven I've always wanted, in my own home this time.  The sunroom is officially mine, and I'm making a craft-yoga-reading-sewing-dreaming space all my own! 

It's the smallest room in the house, but it's perfect.  Surrounded by windows on three sides, it's sunny and breezy.  I'm painting it a creamy butter color, with a sky blue ceiling.  Not sure about curtains...certainly nothing that will block all of that gorgeous light and air.  Bamboo shades, or maybe some very sheer, floaty curtains...haven't decided.  The room overlooks what will be the patio and gardens in the backyard. 

I've already moved all of my artsy creative books in there, plus my craft table and file.  I have a TV in there, but only for yoga DVDs and to tune in music.  A favorite white chair I've had since college days is in there too.  I scoured Goodwill the other day and found the perfect pillows to go with it, plus a meditation cushion, on the cheap (my favorite way!).  I'm going to put a plant in there too...I want something living and breathing in there besides me...and I found a pot that just summed up the kind of color I'm looking for in there. 

This room will have all of my favorite colors surrounding me....greens and watery blues, lavender, buttercream...and all of my favorite soft textures.  This room is ME!!! 

I'm Not Kidding

I'm sure there are folks out there who go online and get ordained as a big joke.  You know, ha ha, call me Monsignor Bucky.  That kind of thing.

Well, for a number of years I had been curious about becoming a non-denominational officiant, and I was as serious as could be.   I loved the idea of working with families and couples to create meaningful ceremonies and rituals to mark passages in their lives.  I am Christian, but I am very appreciative of diversity in all ways, and liked the idea of honoring that by serving people in this way.

Our good friend Ron's wedding this week sealed it for me.  They brought in an officiant to marry them in a very simple ceremony at their home, and it was lovely in how it was personalized to them and their family they were blending.  The minister was very nice, but honestly, I thought I could have done it better.

So.

I did it.  I took the plunge.  And I truly felt called to do it.

I have very strong ideas of how I want to go about this.   I do NOT want to be called at the last minute to marry someone I've never met.  I want to have time to know the couple, to talk about what has led them to choose to marry each other or baptize their child or ask me to lead a funeral for their loved one.  I want to work with them to create a ceremony that will make a memory for a lifetime.   I'm also a licensed marital and family therapist, and have considered offering some premarital counseling sessions prior to marriages.  When I was a grad student, I interned at a Catholic church, offering premarital counseling, and really enjoyed it. 

I'm not jumping headfirst into this.  It took years of thought and prayer to make the decision to go forward.  It follows that I will think how I go forward from here just as carefully, insofar as how to make my services known, etc. 

So...what do you think?

Jiminy Cricket says F You!!!!

If I have to hear the term "Pinocchios" one more time, in reference to comments made by political campaigns (and ratings of the truthfulness of said comments):

I. WILL.  SCREEEEEAMMM!!!!

Fiscal Feast or Famine

I seem to have two extremes where money and spending are concerned.

I have an extremely responsible side.  Perhaps responsible to the point of miserliness.  Sometimes this can be referred to as penny-wise and pound foolish.  For example, I will do things such as not have enough clothing or not take care of something that really needs to be tended to for fear of spending money.  

The other side of this is the little things spendaholic.  I don't go on extravagant sprees for high-end items.  I agonize for a long time before purchasing expensive things.  Nope, this is more of the I'm in Target and I need 3 items mentality.  But while I'm here browsing, man, this would be awesome in my therapy room, and I'd really like a new lipstick, and oh boy, those boots are HOT!  And before you know it, I've spent $100 without even realizing it. 

And I'm great at rationalizing it.  'Cause I've got a new therapy office that rocks and I need some things; and lipstick is about my only makeup I can wear much of; and well, I'd been looking for some brown boots that fit for a LOOOONG time and these were so comfy and fashionable (they really were!). 

Having Target a block from my office is such a BAD thing!

A few sprees like that, and I'm not broke, but I'm taking money away from paying down debt quicker...or making improvements on my home that last a heckuva lot longer than that lipstick.

I need to strike a balance between deprivation and discipline.

Thinking out loud

I don't know how upset I should be about something.  Boy, does that sound weird.  Ha, I usually know exactly how pissed I simply am about things!

This is a little different.

Okay, my beloved and I knew from the beginning that we perched ourselves on very opposite sides of the political fence.  He's a staunch, lifelong Republican.  I'm......decidedly NOT.   I was a card-carrying member of NOW in college, and marched for peace, choice and whatever else there was to march for back then (good music and cold beer at the end).   We've generally managed to keep a truce state going, relying on a few political common grounds to tamp down the occasional flames.  (And we really love each other, so that helps even more.)

I'm not as politically active as I used to be.  My husband, however, is consumed by it.  He's the county chair for his party, watches Glenn Beck every day at 4pm, and so on and so forth.  He has got it in his head that because he is county chair and because I'm really not that politically active, I should not have any right to place signs for Democrat (or otherwise) candidates in our yard.  In fact, in one heated exchange, he threatened to tear up anything I put out there.  Hmmm.

Now, I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I would do nothing to publicly embarrass him, ever.  Does this qualify?  I mean, I think I had things like standing on top of a table at his overpriced chicken dinner and fancy speechifying events and shouting "Socialized Medicine!" in mind when I made that vow.   Is a sign all that bad, really?

Maybe it's the disrespect for my right as an individual to proclaim my views that's bugging me.  I don't know.  I mean, this is by no means a relationship dealbreaker.  But it does give one pause.  And the desire to shop for bumper stickers.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

 I strongly believe that God does provide for us in our need.  Our needs can be met through unusual channels, or more simply and directly, but I do feel that our needs are met if we can just trust and have faith in His workings. 

A few very specific examples come to mind, from my own life experiences.

Long ago, when I was married to my first husband and mom to two little boys, we were living basically hand to mouth.  We had very little money for our needs, and even less for any wants.   We were quite stressed about a medical bill that was hanging over our heads.  There really wasn't anywhere else to pare our budget down to pay this bill.  If I recall, we didn't even have our phone turned on at the time.  Our finances were so tight they squeaked.  I remember laying in bed at night and wondering if God had any answers for folks like us.   It wasn't long after that when I made my daily walk to the mailbox, expecting to find more bills---but this time I found a check for $400.  I could hardly believe my eyes!  That was an incredible amount of money to me then.  Apparently I had forgotten about an old insurance policy, and the cash value was now mine.  I actually cried out by the mailbox in front of God and everyone.  The relief in being able to honor our medical bill was incredible.

(Those years seem light-years away.  I sit in my lovely home now and wonder what my 20 year old self would think of all of this.)

Many years later, I found the courage to leave an abusive man after 11 years of Hell.  Even though I was scared to death and wasn't sure how I was going to support myself and my two teenage boys, I knew that I must go through with this to save our very lives.  I distinctly remember standing in the shower one night, weeping there so my boys wouldn't have to hear mom cry again, saying "God, help me."  The next day, the student clinic where I'd done my doctoral internship called me and asked if I could step in for one of their part-time counselors this semester, as she had to leave abruptly.  The job would neatly work with my other job as a teaching assistant.  It was like manna from Heaven, and it enabled me to care for my family at a very turbulent time.

Most recently, I left a job I'd had for nearly 8 years, burnt out, deeply unhappy.  In a move very unlike me, I resigned before I had my next moves planned out.  I really didn't know what I was going to do next or where.  I just knew that if I didn't leave, my soul, marriage, physical health---indeed, my life was in danger of disintegrating.  So no backup plans to fall upon, no path chosen, nothing.  I allowed myself to fall back into God's arms.  The ultimate trust exercise!  The funny thing is, I felt totally at peace and not at all afraid.  Oddly enough, a few weeks later I was offered a dream job with an agency I'd admired for a long time, and had worked in conjunction with for years.  And with that gift came the gifts of renewed health, spirit and relationship.

The Universe indeed does move in mysterious ways!

Sobering Thought

I had a really good friend back in college that I was quite close to for some time.  We had some marvelous times together, and shared some painful moments with each others' support.  However, one day he turned to me and said, "It's not healthy for us to be friends anymore.  You're too unstable, and being with you is like a rollercoaster."  I was just stunned.  It came  out of the blue and hurt terribly.  I had my moments of depression, granted, but nothing really crazy or psychotic.  I blamed myself for years for not being the kind of person who deserved his friendship.  Well...

Fast forward twenty years.  On a whim, I looked him up on Facebook.  I did find him, and his online journal.  He is on disability for his mental health disabilities, and has been for many years.  He lives hand to mouth, often relying on the kindness of strangers.  He's bitter and sarcastic and angry.  He has gone from one relationship to another, most of them unhealthy.

Yes.  And I am thriving, happy, stable and (of all things) a respected mental health therapist. 

I know now that he was probably projecting his own instability onto me.  Or heck, maybe he was protecting me from his own personal demons.  I feel only kindness towards and sadness for him now.  It hurt terribly way back when, but perhaps I dodged a big bullet with him. 

On a totally unrelated note...

Hey folks, this is what makes Sirius radio worth it to ME!!

A Charming Little Ditty

Yep, came on as the last song before I pulled into the driveway tonight.  Scarily enough, I knew the song already...Ben had played this delightful little tune for me back in his high school days, I believe.

Between that and the song and artist display for some of Ted Nugent's songs, I have mild filth well-covered as a genre in my car.  Sheesh.

Do I HAAAAAVE to? (Said with pout)

Okay, we'll just get it out right from the beginning......I FREAKING HATE EXERCISE!!!!!!

I do not like gyms.  Gyms, to me, are places for young hot things to prance around in Spandex and Lycra.  Or old farts who think they're still hot, flexing their pecs and strutting around, invariably wearing shorts way the hell too tight and leaving sweat puddles wherever they go.

I'm not fond of exercise classes, at least the ones I've been to.   See Spandex issue mentioned above, plus the competitive aspect, plus me feeling as graceful and limber as a yak.

I hate sweating.  I hate breathing hard.  I hate pain.

I feel like laying on the floor and throwing a tantrum right now.  But that would be exercise.

I think some of this comes from being totally aerobicized in the 80s and 90s.  I got so dang sick of Jane Fonda and Joannie Greggains and Denise Austin and the whole bunch.  Step aerobics?  Kiss my butt.

I know I need to exercise for my health, but why is it such a bore and a chore and a snore?

Now, I could see myself in a yoga or Pilates class, if I could find a good teacher and someone with a class that works with my schedule.  I'd love to surf.  I'd love to try aquajogging.  I'd love to go horseback riding.  I'd love to try bellydancing or Zumba.  I'd love to ride my bike around town.

But I cannot tolerate competitive atmospheres; I can't stand overly structured classes with martinet instructors; I despise repetition. 

Anyone out there care to challenge me on this?  :-)

Sssshhhhh.....

I once read that the quietest place on Earth is in a Bell laboratory.  It is a huge room, but so quiet if you drop a pin at one end of the room you can hear it clearly at the other end.  Wow.

One of my favorite quiet places is my mother's home in the middle of nowhere Iowa.  Cell phones do not work, it's so remote and tucked into the hills.  Sitting out by the pond at night and watching the stars, you can feel very small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe.  That can be scary, sometimes.  The silence can be quite...well, loud.

But if you can stay with it and ride through those feelings, it is one of the most peaceful places I have ever known. 

Bedtime Prayers

My husband and I, during times of stress, will sometimes pray together in bed at night.  It makes me feel closer to him and to God.  Sometimes, you have no power in a situation and you just have to lift it up to God.  (My personal belief)

When I sing it can be a form of prayer, even comfort.  I well remember driving home from Ames one night a couple of winters ago, after work.  I didn't realize until I reached Story City that I was driving right into a wall of wind and snow.  The roads suddenly became treacherous.  And with white knuckles on the steering wheel, I sang hymns to keep myself grounded and less scared.  At one point I even stopped singing and just prayed over and over, Please God, get me home safely.  A 45 minute trip took 2 hours, but I got home safely that night.

I don't really formally have a time of prayer each day, but instead pray throughout the day.  Sometimes my actions are a form of prayer...being totally in the moment and present and engaged with a hurting client....communing with nature....even sitting on my front porch and feeling thankful for another day put to rest. 

Things that Make me Smile

Random things....

...like driving past this fountain when I'm working in Marshalltown.  No matter what, it always brings a grin to my face!

....oh, and laughing babies and children at play.

....my fox terrier girl, Lucy, who is the best clown in the world.

Lots of things make me smile, but those are a few that come to mind immediately!

Music of My Life

When I was a baby, my father used to dance me to sleep, and play Beach Boys records.   At our father-daughter dance at my wedding with Gene, we danced to  Surfer Girl.  This song will always be "our" song.  It was a solid month after Dad's untimely death in 2008 before I could listen to ANY music again, much less the Beach Boys.

Now I can listen to them again, with joy.  And just maybe someday, I'll catch a wave!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a teenager in the 1980s, I listened to the predictable stuff---Journey, Styx, Toto, Foreigner---but unlike most of my group of friends, I started getting into something called New Wave.   I remember listening to "college radio" and reading Rolling Stone, and realizing my little world at IFHS was about to expand. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
However, when it came to choosing a first dance with Gene at our wedding, we did go back to an "old" Foreigner tune:  Our Wedding Dance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In college grunge rock came onto the scene and I will always associate bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Live, etc with those days.  Flannel, Birkenstocks, hackysack and incense....memories!  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If you took a look at our CD rack/iTune lists today, you would see music all over the map.  I love little bits of everything, from jazz to country, hip hop to classical, rap to ambient.  My main genre of choice is probably 70s rock, though.  I'm always seeking out new bands from every genre.  One of my favorite ways of doing this is to listen to sampler CDs from Amazon or to download the monthly sampler from Utne Reader magazine. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was deep in depression, these two songs resonated painfully:
 Flood and Drowning Man
(Yeah, I get the water theme.)
I would listen to these songs over and over and just sob uncontrollably.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, thankfully, depression lifted, and I'm dancing once again, and singing...

Someone once posed the question to me, would I rather be blind or deaf?  And honestly, I think I would chose to be blind.  Music means so much to me, I don't think I'd want a life without it. 

Writing it down, part deux

So now I am going to put some new dreams and thoughts into the world, and see what happens.  I guess it depends on who reads them!  I am not allowing myself to edit with "Yeah, but" here today.   I am blowing these gently and lovingly into the world like dandelion fluff.  Godspeed.

1.  I have always wanted to have a private therapy practice where I function like an old country doctor, making my rounds in the rural areas that don't have access to good, consistent mental health care. 

2.  I've always wanted to learn to play the flute.

3.  I want to learn to make a quilt that looks like a family history timeline.

4.  I've always wanted to learn more about becoming a doula.

5.  I want to learn to surf.

6.  I want to sing the National Anthem at an event.

7.  I want to go on a personal retreat to a place like Omega or Hollyhock, or a create retreat ANYWHERE with Jennifer Louden.

8.  Open....because there's always a new dream, a new #8

Write It Down & Talents

I need to make more time for my creative side.  That is, the creative side that is separate from creativity at work:  I'm always having to envision new ways of looking at things, or new interventions for clients, as a therapist.  I'm training, slowly, to become a registered play therapist, and using toys and drama and art materials are a huge part of that. 

The other side of my life, "down time", is also something I like to be full of creative pursuits.  I purposefully structure my work week so I can go to choir rehearsals.  Singing is something I am quite good at, and I love it so much.  I actually made All-State as a high school senior with very little formal training.  I think this pissed off a number of people, and at the time it bothered me, but I really could care less anymore. 

I also enjoy or have enjoyed at various points in my life:  watercolor painting; interior design; collage; repurposing and crafting; canning; gardening; calligraphy; creative writing.  I've always wanted to learn to sew and quilt. 

I had a hard time there for awhile, feeling good about myself as a creative, artistic person.  I married into a family that viewed themselves as quite artsy, and they seemed to looked down on me as stupid and dull and without talent.  (Especially one particular member of the family.)  I felt I was inferior to them, and that I had nothing to offer.  I eventually got enlightened and broke out of my shell, thank God.  I was dying slowly in that situation. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then there's "writing it down."  I strongly believe that once a word is spoken or written, it enters the universe and there's no telling what will happen next.  Dreams that are hidden stay hidden.  Dreams that are voiced have a chance to catch fire and gain momentum.  My return to college at 24 was a prime example of this.  I shyly put it out there that I wanted to go back to school, and once it was shared with one person, there was no stopping it.  My good friends rallied and encouraged me to try.  Education changed my life forever.

Take a Number

One thing that is a reality of life as a therapist is billable hours/units.  Any agency I've worked for has an expectation that you bring in a certain amount of money each month, or a "floor".  This isn't a problem for me where I am working now.  I am supported by my team, and marketing brings in plenty of clientele.

I worked at another agency, that I shall not name, that left its therapists in the lurch.  They would do absolutely nothing to market your services, stick you like an afterthought into an "office" in the middle of nowhere that wasn't conducive to providing therapy, and expect you to make a go of it.  When you inevitably would fail to reach your floor, despite fighting your damnedest, they would treat you like you were a personal failure, not just failing to make units.  It got to a point where I realized it was me or them.  If I stayed any longer, I would lose my mind.  I was close to losing my marriage and was losing my physical health.  I realized I only had value to them via numbers...however, even when I was in a different position and making them a lot of money, they never made me feel appreciated.  Ever.  Sadly, this was a Christian organization that behaved as anything but.

I am more than a number, and more than the numbers I bring in.  Yes, the reality of the business is that we have to be productive.  Agreed fully.  But it is the responsibility of the agency to support and market their talent aggressively.  And in the end...it was MY responsibility to take care of myself and bow out of a losing situation.  Best move I ever made.  

Procrastinating...Who, Me????

Yes, me, unfortunately.

I tend to put off things I don't want to deal with, things that are on the unsavory side of life.  Like bills.   And my bill file is sitting in front of me on the coffee table right now.  Staring at me.  Yecccch.  Oh well. 

Thanks for the Laughter (AKA another convenient combining of posts!)

I think one of the things I most want to be remembered for is my sense of humor.  I recall as young as three I purposefully put on a new pair of cowgirl boots with a string still attaching the them and walking around silly, for the the very purpose of making people laugh.  It was very intentional.  Fast forward a bit, and I was always known as the court jester, the joker amongst my group of friends.   I was known as the Queen of the Dirty Jokes in junior high.  Oh dear.

Laughter has saved my life, many times---when it was seriously down to either laughing or losing my sanity.  It has saved me from the anesthetizing boredom of many a meeting.  It always surprises people---this quiet, introverted girl suddenly coming up with a blazing, witty joke or comment and having the room breaking out in astonished laughter.  Or laughing so hard at something that I'm literally crying or (better yet) snorting a drink out of my nose (thankfully rare!). 

So something I'm deeply grateful for is my ability to laugh and see the funny side of things.  

I'm grateful for my husband, my family, my children.

I'm grateful for my pets.

I'm grateful for my friends.

You know, the usual.


But I'm also grateful for modern medicine.  I might not have survived childbirth with Son #2, much less my childhood bouts of pneumonia, without it.

I'm grateful for womens' rights and labor laws.  A lot of women had brains and talents that were wasted in the old days; talk about frustration.  I'd have definitely been a "yellow wallpaper" case.

I'm grateful for the ability to communicate with others.  Living in isolation is a horrible thing, for me:  community is empowerment. 

I"m grateful I have true CHOICES in life.


I'm also grateful for small things (seemingly small).

I'm grateful for my front porch, the perfect place for me to unwind.

I'm grateful for flowers, fruits, plants, trees and all God's critters.

I'm grateful for music.

I'm grateful for softness, for warmth, for gentle things, for love.

Me 'n Kate

What do you think?  Think my celebrity twin is Kate Winslet? LOL  This app told me I was an 86% match for her. 

Well....we're the same height, have long reddish hair, are nice and curvy....yet the woman is 8 years younger than me!  And making a hell of a lot more money, I might add, ha ha. 

Oh well.  You be the judge!

Accidentally Yours...On Purpose

I'm not 100% sure I believe in accidents.  I guess I am one of those folks who truly believes everything happens for a reason/is part of God's plan/all fits together in some grand design.  I can sit and scratch my head, wondering how, or I can accept it and move on.  Just about everything in my life seems to weave together into this tapestry that makes sense when you look at it from a distance. 

Sometimes people refer to an unplanned pregnancy as "an accident".  I don't think that way.  I don't believe people are accidents.  Yes, having children at 18 and 20 was NOT part of MY plan.  Neither was the poverty, delayed education, young marriage and stress that accompanied it.  While I would never in a million years advise someone to actively seek that lifestyle, I will say this:  Had I gone with MY plan, I may never have had kids at all.  I may never have known the joys of motherhood.  I may never have learned how to be as resourceful and strong as I am today.  And I may never have had the life experiences that I strongly believe bestowed me with the empathy and insight to be the therapist I am today. 

On a lighter note, some of the happiest "accidents" have been when I stumble upon something new that I wasn't necessarily seeking.  Little out of the way, hole-in-the-wall places....greenhouses or craft stores or antique shops in the countryside...places that rarely advertise.  Meeting someone I wouldn't normally ever cross paths with and gaining a friend, a new connection.  Turning by accident to a different channel or radio station and hearing a piece of music that turns me on to a new artist.  I love things like this. 

Radical self-love Day 4: Pamper Me!

What do I do to pamper myself?

*Sleep in on cuddly soft bed linens.

*Soak in hot, leisurely baths with lavender epsom salts.

*Indulge in a spa day with my massage therapist:  hot stone massage, deep tissue workout, ionic foot cleansing,  lots of healing essential oils

*Clip some flowers from my garden (or in a pinch I'll buy some) and make an arrangement in this pretty green "frog" vase I got from my dad years ago.

*Have my hair done.  I just love having someone else wash and style my hair.  It generally puts me to sleep!

*Sometimes a teensy bit of retail therapy helps:  a new lipstick, a great read from a used bookstore, something small like that goes a long way towards lifting my spirits.

Eat, Sleep and the Life Unscheduled (AKA playing catch up with Radical Self-Love)

Thought I would condense my first three topics into one post playing catch up!

Sleep is something I'm getting more and more of these days, and it wasn't by choice at first.  I am still crawling out of the pit my body fell into before figuring out I have celiac disease.  Lots of deficits to make up.  Severe iron deficiency is one of the biggest of them.  Thus, I'm quite tired and have to ensure that I rest plenty while my body is trying to heal and rebuild stores.  I've been known to sit on my front porch and simply nap for an hour or so.  Anyone who knows me would be in shock.  I am the moving target that never "lights", the busy bee that flits from task to task.   Well, the guilt for (gasp!) sitting still and doing nothing has been eroded and I just said, the hell with it.  It's my time to rest in the sun for a little while.  Whatever it is can wait a while.  I preserve my energy for the necessary and feh to the rest.  For now.

Food is obviously an area that, having gone gluten-free, has changed dramatically for me in the past month or two.  I feel so much better, *incredibly* better.  I have lost weight, feel lighter, and best of all---don't hurt or get horribly weak and sick every time I eat.  Eating has become a much more mindful activity.  I really don't resent having to think ahead and plan for what to eat.  Just dropping by a fast food drive thru for a quick bite is not possible for me.  And I say, THANK GOODNESS.  It was probably slowly killing me.  I've discovered new foods that are delicious, rediscovered how much I enjoy fresh fruits and vegetables.  I eat more slowly.  I eat smaller meals more frequently.

Scheduling is just an accepted part of my work life.  I am a therapist and clients book appointments throughout the week.  I prefer to see a few clients in a row, then have a break, but sometimes it doesn't work that way.  I try to breathe a lot, shake off the stress, laugh a little with my colleagues, and be as fully present and engaged with my clients as I possibly can be.  It takes a tremendous amount of energy to give as much as I want to give people.  I am intensely focused during work time.  Soooo....the upshot is:  I am extremely resentful of any encroachment on my personal time.  If anything is going to get scheduled then, *I* am the one who better be doing it.  Know that if I make time to see you during my personal time, you are a very VERY valued and treasured part of my life!

Sorry for the interruption

Yes, it has been a little while.  May was an incredibly busy month.  But I am back, for what it's worth. 

I feel much better in some ways.  Going gluten-free has eliminated many health problems.  But, healing is a journey, and I'm early on the path.  I still feel exhausted since I can't absorb enough nutrients.  The neuropathy in my left hand is still there.  But at least the GI hell has abated.  And I have hope for getting better.  And...I've lost weight! 

We spent Memorial weekend at my mom's place in BFE...truly, it is in the exact middle of nowhere in far northeastern Iowa.  Just a nice time hanging out, enjoying the beautiful setting, and relaxing as a family.  Andrew and Cecilia got here in time to drive up with us.

They are living with us temporarily, until they find work and get a place of their own.  It's great to have them here.  I hadn't seen Andrew more than a handful of times in the six years he was in the Air Force, due to limited leave time and being stationed so far away.  With Mom selling her place and trying to move into the Greenbelt area, we will have most of the family within a 1-2 hour driving radius, plenty close to get together more often. 

I keep wanting to do something creative and fun, but I'm really having to limit projects right now.  I've had to pare things down to things I have to do and allowing ample time for rest and recovery.  It's hard for me, because I'm a person who used to have a million things going on at once and could never sit still.  Now I can paint for 1-2 hours, and then spend 2-3x that resting.  It's quite frustrating.  But I keep repeating to myself, This is not a race.  It's okay to let yourself take time to heal.  Resting is not laziness.  Sometimes I kind of believe what I say!  Sometimes I feel really lazy and guilty about it.

I will say that I'm not as highstrung about things looking perfect anymore.  Good enough is good enough.  Sometimes I just let that phrase wash over me like a comforting breeze, and wrap itself around me.

Roses are blooming in the garden!
K

Really??

Well, the blood work came back with some interesting results.  My body is not absorbing B12 or iron, apparently.  In fact, there is growing evidence that I have a gluten intolerance.  Whodathunkit? 

I knew one person, way back in the 80s, who had celiac sprue.  She had to really seek out things that she could eat safely, as the gluten-free craze hadn't arrived yet by many years.  I remember her joy in finding a beer she could drink, or in making a tasty pizza crust with rice flour.  Haven't really known anyone since, although there are a lot of people "going gluten free" these days.  Seems in some cases it's more like a fad diet than medical need, but who knows?

I just never had this pegged for a food allergy, although it does add up.  If I can't absorb iron and B12 from my hurt intestines, then no wonder I'm fatigued and anemic.  No wonder I'm sick and bloated and racing to the bathroom constantly.  Even explains the tingling fingers and the balance issues.  I don't have a family history of gluten allergies, but there are plenty of folks who are lactose intolerant and there are autoimmune diseases, too.  I have hypothyroidism (on meds) and my mom has RA.  My sister is being checked out for RA.  They also say that gall bladder disease and celiac are very related, and I just had mine out with a dangerous attack back in November. 

Hey, I'll do anything to feel better than THIS.  I'm fine with overhauling the way I eat, buy food, cook.  I'd give anything to have the energy to make it through the day or even exercise again. 

Still cutting my Paxil down, against my better judgment, but if the doc says to try it, I guess who am I to say?

Stay tuned.

Calmer Now

Twilight, on my front porch.  Mozart playing softly in the background.  Night noises abound:  birds, frogs in my neighbor's garden pond.  Waiting for my sweet one to come home from work (he teaches late on Thursday evenings).   The world seems to have shifted back on its axis once again.  It always does. 

A solitary white cat pads quietly and steadily across the vacant lot across the street.  The hunting hours are upon us.  Woe betide the mice.  My indoor cats watch from their window seat. 

Purple and grey clouds are rolling by to the south.  The next few days will be chilly and rainy.  Best to enjoy and savor today's mildness for all its worth, every last moment. 

Times like these are precious.  Quiet, peaceful, they bring me a sense of well-being and hope for health and good things to come. 

Goodnight Moon.

Go Away

Have you ever invited someone into your life, and sorely regretted it?  I have. 

This person trampled my very soul, and I feel like an ass for ever letting this person into my life.  I wish I could erase every bit of me from their memory.  It sickens me to know that this person has any bit of me, who I am deep down,  in their mind. 

I'm usually pretty good at sifting the wheat from the chaff, but boy my asshole radar was off on THIS one.  I never, ever dreamt this person would hurt me. 

You know, I have to be careful that this doesn't close my heart.  Being a hermitty little introvert, there is always this danger.   I have to regain confidence in my own ability to choose good friends, good people to be in my life and me in theirs.  For now, my world is of necessity a little more tightly guarded. 

Frustrated to Tears

Yes, I do cry.  I usually bottle and stuff it for a looooong time, then the Hoover Dam breaks.  Not the healthiest pattern, but there you go.  And the damn burst today, for sure. 

I woke up at 5:30am with a horrible headache and sick stomach.  I remember that I had been dreaming that I was trying to call my mother, over and over, on the phone, but every time I tried, I'd enter the wrong number by a digit, get interrupted, etc.  I was so upset, because I needed to let my mom know how sick I was (in my dream....woooo, weird).  The funny thing is, the number I was trying to call was her work number way back when I was a kid and she was working at the bank.  On my final attempt, I looked up overhead and the phone lines smoked, caught fire and snapped!  Interpret THAT!

I tried to get moving for the day, but I was so weak that my legs were giving out from under me as I tried to walk Lucy.  I felt so dizzy and off balance it was unreal.  I finally had enough of all the symptoms that have been bothering me for months and decided to "switch" days, work from home as best I could, and make an appointment with my dr. 

The upshot is this:  we're going to try decreasing my Paxil dosage by half over two weeks.  He thinks I might have too much in my system combined with my thyroid meds, and it might be toxic.  He didn't have much explanation yet for the other symptoms, even though he watched me lose my balance walking and damned near fall into the doorsill.  Sheesh.  If that doesn't help, I'm getting packed off to the neurologist.  Again.  I'm so fucking tired of this.  I want answers.  I want help.  I want to FEEL BETTER.  But I think this is going to be a test of patience, getting to a diagnosis.  Another thing I'm sick of is blood tests.  I don't believe I'm handling this too gracefully right at the moment, which I feel bad about, because I'm generally a pretty gracious soul.  I think even I can be pushed past the breaking point,though.

The thing that kills me is that the rest of my life is nicely in order.  Happy marriage.  Happy career.  Happy with my stuff I do outside of work.  Great family.  So why isn't my body okay?  Why does it have to gum up the works?  I do not handle frustration well, or "not-knowing", so you can imagine my mental state.  And my image of myself, my BEST self, is an active, bouncy, peppy little thing, and I just am not capable of that right now.  Hell, STAIRS are a nightmare right now. 

Send me positive thoughts and healing wishes, wherever you are in this universe.  It will be received with deep appreciation,
K

Quite the day (and yes, I changed the font)

I have a bad habit of not taking a lunch hour.  I decided to do that today, and I'm so glad I did.  I've known Amy for years and we've kept in touch even though we are no longer working at the same non-profit.  We met for coffee and "shop talk" today, and it evolved into so much more...a wonderful time of sharing, of tears and side-shaking laughter, and a connection even more firmly sealed. 

As I shared with Amy, I have many many many acquaintances and folks I'm friendly with, but few friends.  It's not that I don't like or even love people.  I definitely do.  And I treasure my time with various folks for a variety of things we do together.  But there IS an inner circle that most never reach with me.  Some do.  Primarily female, it is a tight circle...some of them know one another, some do not.  Regardless, I trust these women, am inspired by these women, and hopefully I give them as much as I receive.  This is just "the INFJ way" of being...it's not intended to be exclusionary.  (Is that a word? :-)  )  It is MY way of being.  And I'm truly fine with it.   Anyway, this sharing of souls today was wonderful and made my day!

Another wonderful connection was made today:  I gained entry into the INFJ group on facebook and my world has opened to a host of folks who just GET IT.  I'll expound more on the whole typology thing sometime, but let me just say, as a very rare type and introverted to boot, it is not always the easiest world to navigate much less thrive in.  Talking with folks and learning healthy ways of coping as well as not having to reinvent the wheel to communicate with them is such a relief.  I'm so thankful.  

I also got my car back today!  The "Princess", AKA my elegant little Focus sedan, threw a transmission hissy fit after just 24K.  Ford did cover their "bad" and fixed it (meaning I got a new transmission).  Not having my car, having to deal with a rental, the stress of the situation, had really weighed on me. 

I feel so good about things today.  My world is on properly on its axis, no wobbling.

Tomorrow's plan:  a day of (somewhat) solitude.  Baking pies and a massage therapy session with the wonderful Linda Flack at noon.  Being good to myself!

Peace to all!
K

Pinterest Saturation Point

It took a few months, but the saturation point has been reached.  It's kind of like the late-night Time-Life music infomercials:  at some point, they start to play songs you heard earlier in the program.  Everything loops.  I'm at a point where NOTHING seems new or fresh anymore on Pinterest. 

Maybe this is a sign to actually start doing the things I've listed, hmm?   I feel a challenge coming on.  I mean, realistically, some of the things I dream of doing will have to be longer-term goals.  I am not going surfing tomorrow, for example. I live in Iowa, and I'm a tad physically challenged right now.  But there are many more things I can do than can't. 

Perhaps it's time to make a "Living List".
K

Windy!

The wind is just incredibly strong today.  We're not out of the woods yet with potential for strong storms later today.  My poor lilac bushes are currently being bent down to the ground with the force of the wind.  There are branches down all over the yard.  We've lost shingles from the garage (granted, we need to look at a new roof sooner vs. later for it).

The worst thing, though, is this poor butterfly I saw struggling in the breeze.  I just wanted to say "Dude, lay low for a day, why don't you?"  He (or she) was just being thrown around; I'll give it credit though, it just kept on truckin'.  I sadly expect to see birds' nests and eggs smashed on the ground.  We had that happen during a storm last year.  I just love all the creatures that make our yard their home each year.  I feel happy when they are happy; I'm sad when nature deals them a blow. 

K

Stormy Weather

Our first severe weather of the season is happening as I write.  My area is not in the official tornado watch, but it's not terribly far south of here.  We're due to have heavy rains, high wind, hail and who knows what other varieties of mayhem in the streets. 

This kind of weather both fascinates me and scares me.  I've always been a bit of a meteorology buff, and love watching and listening to thunderstorms.  I enjoy tracking storms on radar.  I've even considered becoming a spotter from time to time. 

The part that scares me is how deadly and destructive they can be.  The name "Andover" will always put a chill in my heart.  We lived in Kansas for many years when my boys were little.  At the time, we lived in a trailer house in the middle of the country near Manhattan.  It was not tied down at all, and there was no tornado shelter.  My (now ex but friendly ex) husband had our only car and worked 20 miles away at Ft. Riley and couldn't just leave every time the wind blew.  The tornadoes that hit Andover in 1991 were just one of many outbreaks in those years that scared the hell out of me.

To me the definition of utter panic and fear was "What on earth do I do if a tornado comes?  I have two little children, one of whom is not walking yet.  I have no car.  I have no friends nearby.  I have no shelter.  There is a ditch about 100 yards away.  That ditch has big trees and power lines overhead.  Now quick---be a good mommy and make a decision---what do you do?" 

Thank God those days are far behind me.  But I still have a healthy respect for storms.  And I frankly wonder sometimes how I got from there to here with my wits intact.  I made a list once of all the trauma I have dealt with, and I just shook my head and laughed.  I have definitely earned the Survivor Badge.

Anyway, I digress.  Stay safe out there, friends.
K

You ALWAYS have a choice

Last night I had quite the interesting encounter with a neighbor I had never met before.  This little meeting was not friendly or welcome in the least, but it did spark some deep thoughts about how we have a choice about our reactions and even our feelings, to some extent.

G and I were walking our dog, Lucy, and were on the homestretch.  About a block away from our house, I noted the glow of a cigarette and the shape of a large man in the darkness of the next yard we would pass.  I'm not sure why, but I sensed that something was going to happen.  (Thank you, Gavin de Becker).

Lucy dared to walk slightly off the sidewalk into the edge of his yard, and the man let loose with a torrent of profanity and threats.  I'm not that easily shocked, but this even crossed my line.  He seemed to believe that Lucy had relieved herself on his lawn.  First of all, she did not.  Secondly, we carry baggies and USE them.  This man would not stop ranting, and in fact by the time I decided reason was not going to be fruitful he told me that "the wrath of God was to fall upon (me)".

We came home, and in turns I was angry, upset, and fearful.  I did contact the police, because I felt threatened by the man, and I want to feel safe in our neighborhood.  I want EVERYONE to feel safe in this neighborhood.  He needed to know that this behavior was not okay.

Afterwards, though, I decided to practice some deep breathing and take a step  back.  And think this through.  First of all, there are a LOT of people in my town that do not pick up after their pets, and my own lawn has been a "bombing ground", if you catch my drift.  I get that someone would feel angry about that.  I also do not know this man, what kind of day he had...heck, what kind of life he's had.  And, even if he was choosing to act in this way, I had the power to choose my own reaction.  What was a healthy way for me to react?

Now, I'm not a Buddhist, and I don't meditate nearly as often as I should, but I have done some basic reading and have a little knowledge of some practices.  One I've read of  is "tonglen", which as I understand it is related to the concept of lovingkindness.  An integral practice is breathing in angry thoughts, and breathing out love and kindness back into the world.  What good was it going to do, in my particular situation, to escalate the ugliness with my neighbor?  Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that some of my initial thoughts weren't ugly and mean and spiteful.  Plopping a baggie of dogshit and lighting it on his porch did cross my mind, briefly.  So did writing an ugly letter to the editor of our local birdcage liner weekly.  But what would I have accomplished with those things?  I only would have added to the hatred in the world.  I chose to let it pass and breathe some love back out into the world.

Peace, y'all....tell me what you think.
K

Onward into the Void

Welcome to my world!  I've decided to start blogging as a way to channel some of my creative urges, communicate with some good friends who are way ahead of me in the blogging life, and do some "thinking on paper".  Who knows where this will go?  Well, I'm "all in" now! 

K