Remember Me? I'm September (tapping on my shoulder)

September used to be kind of a cool month, in my book.  My birthday, football, fall temperatures---great stuff.  Four years ago, September became a nightmare, and I haven't really shaken it since then.

See, my father died four years ago, three days before my birthday.  It was a sudden and shocking death.  I mean, he'd had a heart attack four months prior, but had been doing well since then.  In fact, I'd just seen him over Labor Day weekend, and for the most part all was fine.  Had a great time out at the cabin near Plainfield with all of the family together.

Then he went missing while out fishing a few weeks later.  He just didn't come home.  Search parties went out.  There were dogs out trying to find Dad.  The next morning the helicopters were firing up and they finally found him, in the Cedar.  We were all so numb and in shock that quite honestly I didn't cry for a month.  We just took care of what we had to do, honored Dad as he deserved, and tried to go forward. 

I bottled things for a long time, not wanting to upset anyone, and went through bad bouts of depression, which were aggravated by seasonal affective disorder.  God, what an ugly trick to play:  coinciding Dad's death with shorter days and less sunshine.  Well played.

Every time I think that the sadness is finally gone, it taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that it's still very much there.  Of all the damned things, I about lost it in a CPR class today.  It was my first recertification since dad's death, and I didn't even put one thought into how it might affect me, much less that it would affect me at ALL.

I could not stop the tears from falling down my face, watching the video about heart attack symptoms, thinking of what pain Dad had to go through.  It's bothering me NOW, writing this.  I felt on the edge of bawling my head off, the whole loud sobbing thing, and thought about leaving the training and trying again another time.

Then I said (to myself), Buck UP.  YOU are Tim Shea's daughter, and you will STAY and FACE this, no matter how much it hurts, because you are strong.  And maybe, you'll save someone's life someday and spare them the pain.

So I did it.  And I hope you will too.  It takes so little to learn and get certified in CPR.  Please consider it. 

So "September" arrived a few days early this year.  I'm not going to bottle it anymore.  I'm going to weep and grieve.  Maybe that's what September is for, for now.  But I'm also going to try to find ways to take good care of myself, as well as ways to honor my father.