Well, the blood work came back with some interesting results. My body is not absorbing B12 or iron, apparently. In fact, there is growing evidence that I have a gluten intolerance. Whodathunkit?
I knew one person, way back in the 80s, who had celiac sprue. She had to really seek out things that she could eat safely, as the gluten-free craze hadn't arrived yet by many years. I remember her joy in finding a beer she could drink, or in making a tasty pizza crust with rice flour. Haven't really known anyone since, although there are a lot of people "going gluten free" these days. Seems in some cases it's more like a fad diet than medical need, but who knows?
I just never had this pegged for a food allergy, although it does add up. If I can't absorb iron and B12 from my hurt intestines, then no wonder I'm fatigued and anemic. No wonder I'm sick and bloated and racing to the bathroom constantly. Even explains the tingling fingers and the balance issues. I don't have a family history of gluten allergies, but there are plenty of folks who are lactose intolerant and there are autoimmune diseases, too. I have hypothyroidism (on meds) and my mom has RA. My sister is being checked out for RA. They also say that gall bladder disease and celiac are very related, and I just had mine out with a dangerous attack back in November.
Hey, I'll do anything to feel better than THIS. I'm fine with overhauling the way I eat, buy food, cook. I'd give anything to have the energy to make it through the day or even exercise again.
Still cutting my Paxil down, against my better judgment, but if the doc says to try it, I guess who am I to say?
Stay tuned.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Calmer Now
Twilight, on my front porch. Mozart playing softly in the background. Night noises abound: birds, frogs in my neighbor's garden pond. Waiting for my sweet one to come home from work (he teaches late on Thursday evenings). The world seems to have shifted back on its axis once again. It always does.
A solitary white cat pads quietly and steadily across the vacant lot across the street. The hunting hours are upon us. Woe betide the mice. My indoor cats watch from their window seat.
Purple and grey clouds are rolling by to the south. The next few days will be chilly and rainy. Best to enjoy and savor today's mildness for all its worth, every last moment.
Times like these are precious. Quiet, peaceful, they bring me a sense of well-being and hope for health and good things to come.
Goodnight Moon.
A solitary white cat pads quietly and steadily across the vacant lot across the street. The hunting hours are upon us. Woe betide the mice. My indoor cats watch from their window seat.
Purple and grey clouds are rolling by to the south. The next few days will be chilly and rainy. Best to enjoy and savor today's mildness for all its worth, every last moment.
Times like these are precious. Quiet, peaceful, they bring me a sense of well-being and hope for health and good things to come.
Goodnight Moon.
Go Away
Have you ever invited someone into your life, and sorely regretted it? I have.
This person trampled my very soul, and I feel like an ass for ever letting this person into my life. I wish I could erase every bit of me from their memory. It sickens me to know that this person has any bit of me, who I am deep down, in their mind.
I'm usually pretty good at sifting the wheat from the chaff, but boy my asshole radar was off on THIS one. I never, ever dreamt this person would hurt me.
You know, I have to be careful that this doesn't close my heart. Being a hermitty little introvert, there is always this danger. I have to regain confidence in my own ability to choose good friends, good people to be in my life and me in theirs. For now, my world is of necessity a little more tightly guarded.
This person trampled my very soul, and I feel like an ass for ever letting this person into my life. I wish I could erase every bit of me from their memory. It sickens me to know that this person has any bit of me, who I am deep down, in their mind.
I'm usually pretty good at sifting the wheat from the chaff, but boy my asshole radar was off on THIS one. I never, ever dreamt this person would hurt me.
You know, I have to be careful that this doesn't close my heart. Being a hermitty little introvert, there is always this danger. I have to regain confidence in my own ability to choose good friends, good people to be in my life and me in theirs. For now, my world is of necessity a little more tightly guarded.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Frustrated to Tears
Yes, I do cry. I usually bottle and stuff it for a looooong time, then the Hoover Dam breaks. Not the healthiest pattern, but there you go. And the damn burst today, for sure.
I woke up at 5:30am with a horrible headache and sick stomach. I remember that I had been dreaming that I was trying to call my mother, over and over, on the phone, but every time I tried, I'd enter the wrong number by a digit, get interrupted, etc. I was so upset, because I needed to let my mom know how sick I was (in my dream....woooo, weird). The funny thing is, the number I was trying to call was her work number way back when I was a kid and she was working at the bank. On my final attempt, I looked up overhead and the phone lines smoked, caught fire and snapped! Interpret THAT!
I tried to get moving for the day, but I was so weak that my legs were giving out from under me as I tried to walk Lucy. I felt so dizzy and off balance it was unreal. I finally had enough of all the symptoms that have been bothering me for months and decided to "switch" days, work from home as best I could, and make an appointment with my dr.
The upshot is this: we're going to try decreasing my Paxil dosage by half over two weeks. He thinks I might have too much in my system combined with my thyroid meds, and it might be toxic. He didn't have much explanation yet for the other symptoms, even though he watched me lose my balance walking and damned near fall into the doorsill. Sheesh. If that doesn't help, I'm getting packed off to the neurologist. Again. I'm so fucking tired of this. I want answers. I want help. I want to FEEL BETTER. But I think this is going to be a test of patience, getting to a diagnosis. Another thing I'm sick of is blood tests. I don't believe I'm handling this too gracefully right at the moment, which I feel bad about, because I'm generally a pretty gracious soul. I think even I can be pushed past the breaking point,though.
The thing that kills me is that the rest of my life is nicely in order. Happy marriage. Happy career. Happy with my stuff I do outside of work. Great family. So why isn't my body okay? Why does it have to gum up the works? I do not handle frustration well, or "not-knowing", so you can imagine my mental state. And my image of myself, my BEST self, is an active, bouncy, peppy little thing, and I just am not capable of that right now. Hell, STAIRS are a nightmare right now.
Send me positive thoughts and healing wishes, wherever you are in this universe. It will be received with deep appreciation,
K
I woke up at 5:30am with a horrible headache and sick stomach. I remember that I had been dreaming that I was trying to call my mother, over and over, on the phone, but every time I tried, I'd enter the wrong number by a digit, get interrupted, etc. I was so upset, because I needed to let my mom know how sick I was (in my dream....woooo, weird). The funny thing is, the number I was trying to call was her work number way back when I was a kid and she was working at the bank. On my final attempt, I looked up overhead and the phone lines smoked, caught fire and snapped! Interpret THAT!
I tried to get moving for the day, but I was so weak that my legs were giving out from under me as I tried to walk Lucy. I felt so dizzy and off balance it was unreal. I finally had enough of all the symptoms that have been bothering me for months and decided to "switch" days, work from home as best I could, and make an appointment with my dr.
The upshot is this: we're going to try decreasing my Paxil dosage by half over two weeks. He thinks I might have too much in my system combined with my thyroid meds, and it might be toxic. He didn't have much explanation yet for the other symptoms, even though he watched me lose my balance walking and damned near fall into the doorsill. Sheesh. If that doesn't help, I'm getting packed off to the neurologist. Again. I'm so fucking tired of this. I want answers. I want help. I want to FEEL BETTER. But I think this is going to be a test of patience, getting to a diagnosis. Another thing I'm sick of is blood tests. I don't believe I'm handling this too gracefully right at the moment, which I feel bad about, because I'm generally a pretty gracious soul. I think even I can be pushed past the breaking point,though.
The thing that kills me is that the rest of my life is nicely in order. Happy marriage. Happy career. Happy with my stuff I do outside of work. Great family. So why isn't my body okay? Why does it have to gum up the works? I do not handle frustration well, or "not-knowing", so you can imagine my mental state. And my image of myself, my BEST self, is an active, bouncy, peppy little thing, and I just am not capable of that right now. Hell, STAIRS are a nightmare right now.
Send me positive thoughts and healing wishes, wherever you are in this universe. It will be received with deep appreciation,
K
Friday, April 20, 2012
Quite the day (and yes, I changed the font)
I have a bad habit of not taking a lunch hour. I decided to do that today, and I'm so glad I did. I've known Amy for years and we've kept in touch even though we are no longer working at the same non-profit. We met for coffee and "shop talk" today, and it evolved into so much more...a wonderful time of sharing, of tears and side-shaking laughter, and a connection even more firmly sealed.
As I shared with Amy, I have many many many acquaintances and folks I'm friendly with, but few friends. It's not that I don't like or even love people. I definitely do. And I treasure my time with various folks for a variety of things we do together. But there IS an inner circle that most never reach with me. Some do. Primarily female, it is a tight circle...some of them know one another, some do not. Regardless, I trust these women, am inspired by these women, and hopefully I give them as much as I receive. This is just "the INFJ way" of being...it's not intended to be exclusionary. (Is that a word? :-) ) It is MY way of being. And I'm truly fine with it. Anyway, this sharing of souls today was wonderful and made my day!
Another wonderful connection was made today: I gained entry into the INFJ group on facebook and my world has opened to a host of folks who just GET IT. I'll expound more on the whole typology thing sometime, but let me just say, as a very rare type and introverted to boot, it is not always the easiest world to navigate much less thrive in. Talking with folks and learning healthy ways of coping as well as not having to reinvent the wheel to communicate with them is such a relief. I'm so thankful.
I also got my car back today! The "Princess", AKA my elegant little Focus sedan, threw a transmission hissy fit after just 24K. Ford did cover their "bad" and fixed it (meaning I got a new transmission). Not having my car, having to deal with a rental, the stress of the situation, had really weighed on me.
I feel so good about things today. My world is on properly on its axis, no wobbling.
Tomorrow's plan: a day of (somewhat) solitude. Baking pies and a massage therapy session with the wonderful Linda Flack at noon. Being good to myself!
Peace to all!
K
As I shared with Amy, I have many many many acquaintances and folks I'm friendly with, but few friends. It's not that I don't like or even love people. I definitely do. And I treasure my time with various folks for a variety of things we do together. But there IS an inner circle that most never reach with me. Some do. Primarily female, it is a tight circle...some of them know one another, some do not. Regardless, I trust these women, am inspired by these women, and hopefully I give them as much as I receive. This is just "the INFJ way" of being...it's not intended to be exclusionary. (Is that a word? :-) ) It is MY way of being. And I'm truly fine with it. Anyway, this sharing of souls today was wonderful and made my day!
Another wonderful connection was made today: I gained entry into the INFJ group on facebook and my world has opened to a host of folks who just GET IT. I'll expound more on the whole typology thing sometime, but let me just say, as a very rare type and introverted to boot, it is not always the easiest world to navigate much less thrive in. Talking with folks and learning healthy ways of coping as well as not having to reinvent the wheel to communicate with them is such a relief. I'm so thankful.
I also got my car back today! The "Princess", AKA my elegant little Focus sedan, threw a transmission hissy fit after just 24K. Ford did cover their "bad" and fixed it (meaning I got a new transmission). Not having my car, having to deal with a rental, the stress of the situation, had really weighed on me.
I feel so good about things today. My world is on properly on its axis, no wobbling.
Tomorrow's plan: a day of (somewhat) solitude. Baking pies and a massage therapy session with the wonderful Linda Flack at noon. Being good to myself!
Peace to all!
K
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Pinterest Saturation Point
It took a few months, but the saturation point has been reached. It's kind of like the late-night Time-Life music infomercials: at some point, they start to play songs you heard earlier in the program. Everything loops. I'm at a point where NOTHING seems new or fresh anymore on Pinterest.
Maybe this is a sign to actually start doing the things I've listed, hmm? I feel a challenge coming on. I mean, realistically, some of the things I dream of doing will have to be longer-term goals. I am not going surfing tomorrow, for example. I live in Iowa, and I'm a tad physically challenged right now. But there are many more things I can do than can't.
Perhaps it's time to make a "Living List".
K
Maybe this is a sign to actually start doing the things I've listed, hmm? I feel a challenge coming on. I mean, realistically, some of the things I dream of doing will have to be longer-term goals. I am not going surfing tomorrow, for example. I live in Iowa, and I'm a tad physically challenged right now. But there are many more things I can do than can't.
Perhaps it's time to make a "Living List".
K
Windy!
The wind is just incredibly strong today. We're not out of the woods yet with potential for strong storms later today. My poor lilac bushes are currently being bent down to the ground with the force of the wind. There are branches down all over the yard. We've lost shingles from the garage (granted, we need to look at a new roof sooner vs. later for it).
The worst thing, though, is this poor butterfly I saw struggling in the breeze. I just wanted to say "Dude, lay low for a day, why don't you?" He (or she) was just being thrown around; I'll give it credit though, it just kept on truckin'. I sadly expect to see birds' nests and eggs smashed on the ground. We had that happen during a storm last year. I just love all the creatures that make our yard their home each year. I feel happy when they are happy; I'm sad when nature deals them a blow.
K
The worst thing, though, is this poor butterfly I saw struggling in the breeze. I just wanted to say "Dude, lay low for a day, why don't you?" He (or she) was just being thrown around; I'll give it credit though, it just kept on truckin'. I sadly expect to see birds' nests and eggs smashed on the ground. We had that happen during a storm last year. I just love all the creatures that make our yard their home each year. I feel happy when they are happy; I'm sad when nature deals them a blow.
K
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Stormy Weather
Our first severe weather of the season is happening as I write. My area is not in the official tornado watch, but it's not terribly far south of here. We're due to have heavy rains, high wind, hail and who knows what other varieties of mayhem in the streets.
This kind of weather both fascinates me and scares me. I've always been a bit of a meteorology buff, and love watching and listening to thunderstorms. I enjoy tracking storms on radar. I've even considered becoming a spotter from time to time.
The part that scares me is how deadly and destructive they can be. The name "Andover" will always put a chill in my heart. We lived in Kansas for many years when my boys were little. At the time, we lived in a trailer house in the middle of the country near Manhattan. It was not tied down at all, and there was no tornado shelter. My (now ex but friendly ex) husband had our only car and worked 20 miles away at Ft. Riley and couldn't just leave every time the wind blew. The tornadoes that hit Andover in 1991 were just one of many outbreaks in those years that scared the hell out of me.
To me the definition of utter panic and fear was "What on earth do I do if a tornado comes? I have two little children, one of whom is not walking yet. I have no car. I have no friends nearby. I have no shelter. There is a ditch about 100 yards away. That ditch has big trees and power lines overhead. Now quick---be a good mommy and make a decision---what do you do?"
Thank God those days are far behind me. But I still have a healthy respect for storms. And I frankly wonder sometimes how I got from there to here with my wits intact. I made a list once of all the trauma I have dealt with, and I just shook my head and laughed. I have definitely earned the Survivor Badge.
Anyway, I digress. Stay safe out there, friends.
K
This kind of weather both fascinates me and scares me. I've always been a bit of a meteorology buff, and love watching and listening to thunderstorms. I enjoy tracking storms on radar. I've even considered becoming a spotter from time to time.
The part that scares me is how deadly and destructive they can be. The name "Andover" will always put a chill in my heart. We lived in Kansas for many years when my boys were little. At the time, we lived in a trailer house in the middle of the country near Manhattan. It was not tied down at all, and there was no tornado shelter. My (now ex but friendly ex) husband had our only car and worked 20 miles away at Ft. Riley and couldn't just leave every time the wind blew. The tornadoes that hit Andover in 1991 were just one of many outbreaks in those years that scared the hell out of me.
To me the definition of utter panic and fear was "What on earth do I do if a tornado comes? I have two little children, one of whom is not walking yet. I have no car. I have no friends nearby. I have no shelter. There is a ditch about 100 yards away. That ditch has big trees and power lines overhead. Now quick---be a good mommy and make a decision---what do you do?"
Thank God those days are far behind me. But I still have a healthy respect for storms. And I frankly wonder sometimes how I got from there to here with my wits intact. I made a list once of all the trauma I have dealt with, and I just shook my head and laughed. I have definitely earned the Survivor Badge.
Anyway, I digress. Stay safe out there, friends.
K
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
You ALWAYS have a choice
Last night I had quite the interesting encounter with a neighbor I had never met before. This little meeting was not friendly or welcome in the least, but it did spark some deep thoughts about how we have a choice about our reactions and even our feelings, to some extent.
G and I were walking our dog, Lucy, and were on the homestretch. About a block away from our house, I noted the glow of a cigarette and the shape of a large man in the darkness of the next yard we would pass. I'm not sure why, but I sensed that something was going to happen. (Thank you, Gavin de Becker).
Lucy dared to walk slightly off the sidewalk into the edge of his yard, and the man let loose with a torrent of profanity and threats. I'm not that easily shocked, but this even crossed my line. He seemed to believe that Lucy had relieved herself on his lawn. First of all, she did not. Secondly, we carry baggies and USE them. This man would not stop ranting, and in fact by the time I decided reason was not going to be fruitful he told me that "the wrath of God was to fall upon (me)".
We came home, and in turns I was angry, upset, and fearful. I did contact the police, because I felt threatened by the man, and I want to feel safe in our neighborhood. I want EVERYONE to feel safe in this neighborhood. He needed to know that this behavior was not okay.
Afterwards, though, I decided to practice some deep breathing and take a step back. And think this through. First of all, there are a LOT of people in my town that do not pick up after their pets, and my own lawn has been a "bombing ground", if you catch my drift. I get that someone would feel angry about that. I also do not know this man, what kind of day he had...heck, what kind of life he's had. And, even if he was choosing to act in this way, I had the power to choose my own reaction. What was a healthy way for me to react?
Now, I'm not a Buddhist, and I don't meditate nearly as often as I should, but I have done some basic reading and have a little knowledge of some practices. One I've read of is "tonglen", which as I understand it is related to the concept of lovingkindness. An integral practice is breathing in angry thoughts, and breathing out love and kindness back into the world. What good was it going to do, in my particular situation, to escalate the ugliness with my neighbor? Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that some of my initial thoughts weren't ugly and mean and spiteful. Plopping a baggie of dogshit and lighting it on his porch did cross my mind, briefly. So did writing an ugly letter to the editor of our local birdcage liner weekly. But what would I have accomplished with those things? I only would have added to the hatred in the world. I chose to let it pass and breathe some love back out into the world.
Peace, y'all....tell me what you think.
K
G and I were walking our dog, Lucy, and were on the homestretch. About a block away from our house, I noted the glow of a cigarette and the shape of a large man in the darkness of the next yard we would pass. I'm not sure why, but I sensed that something was going to happen. (Thank you, Gavin de Becker).
Lucy dared to walk slightly off the sidewalk into the edge of his yard, and the man let loose with a torrent of profanity and threats. I'm not that easily shocked, but this even crossed my line. He seemed to believe that Lucy had relieved herself on his lawn. First of all, she did not. Secondly, we carry baggies and USE them. This man would not stop ranting, and in fact by the time I decided reason was not going to be fruitful he told me that "the wrath of God was to fall upon (me)".
We came home, and in turns I was angry, upset, and fearful. I did contact the police, because I felt threatened by the man, and I want to feel safe in our neighborhood. I want EVERYONE to feel safe in this neighborhood. He needed to know that this behavior was not okay.
Afterwards, though, I decided to practice some deep breathing and take a step back. And think this through. First of all, there are a LOT of people in my town that do not pick up after their pets, and my own lawn has been a "bombing ground", if you catch my drift. I get that someone would feel angry about that. I also do not know this man, what kind of day he had...heck, what kind of life he's had. And, even if he was choosing to act in this way, I had the power to choose my own reaction. What was a healthy way for me to react?
Now, I'm not a Buddhist, and I don't meditate nearly as often as I should, but I have done some basic reading and have a little knowledge of some practices. One I've read of is "tonglen", which as I understand it is related to the concept of lovingkindness. An integral practice is breathing in angry thoughts, and breathing out love and kindness back into the world. What good was it going to do, in my particular situation, to escalate the ugliness with my neighbor? Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that some of my initial thoughts weren't ugly and mean and spiteful. Plopping a baggie of dogshit and lighting it on his porch did cross my mind, briefly. So did writing an ugly letter to the editor of our local birdcage liner weekly. But what would I have accomplished with those things? I only would have added to the hatred in the world. I chose to let it pass and breathe some love back out into the world.
Peace, y'all....tell me what you think.
K
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Onward into the Void
Welcome to my world! I've decided to start blogging as a way to channel some of my creative urges, communicate with some good friends who are way ahead of me in the blogging life, and do some "thinking on paper". Who knows where this will go? Well, I'm "all in" now!
K
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)