Yes, I do cry. I usually bottle and stuff it for a looooong time, then the Hoover Dam breaks. Not the healthiest pattern, but there you go. And the damn burst today, for sure.
I woke up at 5:30am with a horrible headache and sick stomach. I remember that I had been dreaming that I was trying to call my mother, over and over, on the phone, but every time I tried, I'd enter the wrong number by a digit, get interrupted, etc. I was so upset, because I needed to let my mom know how sick I was (in my dream....woooo, weird). The funny thing is, the number I was trying to call was her work number way back when I was a kid and she was working at the bank. On my final attempt, I looked up overhead and the phone lines smoked, caught fire and snapped! Interpret THAT!
I tried to get moving for the day, but I was so weak that my legs were giving out from under me as I tried to walk Lucy. I felt so dizzy and off balance it was unreal. I finally had enough of all the symptoms that have been bothering me for months and decided to "switch" days, work from home as best I could, and make an appointment with my dr.
The upshot is this: we're going to try decreasing my Paxil dosage by half over two weeks. He thinks I might have too much in my system combined with my thyroid meds, and it might be toxic. He didn't have much explanation yet for the other symptoms, even though he watched me lose my balance walking and damned near fall into the doorsill. Sheesh. If that doesn't help, I'm getting packed off to the neurologist. Again. I'm so fucking tired of this. I want answers. I want help. I want to FEEL BETTER. But I think this is going to be a test of patience, getting to a diagnosis. Another thing I'm sick of is blood tests. I don't believe I'm handling this too gracefully right at the moment, which I feel bad about, because I'm generally a pretty gracious soul. I think even I can be pushed past the breaking point,though.
The thing that kills me is that the rest of my life is nicely in order. Happy marriage. Happy career. Happy with my stuff I do outside of work. Great family. So why isn't my body okay? Why does it have to gum up the works? I do not handle frustration well, or "not-knowing", so you can imagine my mental state. And my image of myself, my BEST self, is an active, bouncy, peppy little thing, and I just am not capable of that right now. Hell, STAIRS are a nightmare right now.
Send me positive thoughts and healing wishes, wherever you are in this universe. It will be received with deep appreciation,
K
I SO get this. You know, out of all the stuff that comes with my Spina Bifida, the being off balance thing is the one thing that CONTINUALLY challenges me, second to second. Because it's not like I'm off kilter in one direction, and can adjust to that. My balance is always shifting, like a rocking boat in the waves, and when I'm just walking a straight line I have to readjust, stop, think, readjust, hope I don't fall down, find something to grab. I HATE that. It's turning into an issue when I am outside in the garden, so I started using a cane out there which pisses me off because COME ON. But I'm tired of feeling like I am about to tumble. It's too much.
ReplyDeleteSo I really, really feel where you are coming from. <3
It's so disconcerting- lack of physical balance sets your whole being (especially EMOTIONAL) into turmoil with it.