Momentary Lapse of Reason...or something like that.

Yeah, so I'm back.   I do tend to dip in and out of things.  I usually loop back.  Life is not a linear thing with me.  Sometimes it's kind of like a bunch of parallel universes (is that the plural form?). The past, present and/or future sometimes line up in interesting ways.

Not really a lot to catch up with, from September to today.  Isn't that pathetic?  But it's the truth.  I do pretty much go dormant in the winter; it's just my species.  I don't really bud and bloom til there's more light and warmth. 

I wake up.  I feed the cats and walk the dog.  I drive to work.  I work (which I love dearly, but in the end it is work).  I drive home.  I eat.  I go to sleep.  Lather, rinse and repeat. 

Sometimes there are little blips on the radar.  I talk to an old friend.  I make a great find at a thrift store.  A flower blooms.  A new song. 

Other than the moments of incredible human connection that occur in my work as a therapist...I feel a little bit numb, that I'm floating through the days.  Not unhappy, just quiet.  Observant.  I'm not sure about content.  Maybe. 

Should there be more?

Ten Questions...A Year Later

I took part in a 10 day question and answer session a year ago, and had my answers emailed to me yesterday.  Quite interesting, and even a bit frustrating, to see how far I had (and hadn't) come in one year.  I thought it would be good to go through my answers from a year ago, and update them here. 

Day 1:

Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?
Your Answer:
Went back to work as a therapist full-time, after a major family team meeting grant was ended after many years. I was initially very upset, but now I'm quite grateful.

A year later:  My agency gave lip service to supporting my transition to therapy, and within six months I grew distressed enough to quit.  About three weeks later I joined another agency which on the whole has turned out to be a much better place for me to work.  

 

Day 2:

Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you're especially proud of from this past year?
Your Answer:
I wish I'd had more energy and paid more attention to my garden on a daily basis. I'm proud, though, that I've done all I could with my health issues.

A year later:  I didn't garden at all this past summer, recognizing that something had to give with the lack of energy.  I decided I'd rather not do it at all than do it half-assed.  I am proudest of the fact that I had the guts to finally walk away from a very dysfunctional workplace, even though I had nothing else on deck.

 

Day 3:

Think about a major milestone that happened with your family this past year. How has this affected you?
Your Answer:
Both of my sons are completely launched now, with full-time jobs/careers and living out of the home. I miss them both, but on the other hand, enjoy this time in my life now too.

A year later:  One son is back home, and has lived here with his girlfriend since late May.  One thing after another has happened (car problems, illness, etc) and neither of them has jobs or any plans to move as of now.  I'm glad that we can provide help for them, but I will be ready to have space and privacy again.

 

Day 4:

Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why?
Your Answer:
The economic downturn. We've been fortunate to keep our jobs in our family, but I feel like I'm surrounded by so many in pain, suffering, hopeless.

A year later:  Certainly, the economic downturn continues to be an issue.  However, the elections this year have become nasty and our home is deeply divided.

 

Day 5:

Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth.
Your Answer:
Our Lenten group this year was such a cohesive, open, sharing group, and I grew through this experience.

A year late:  Spiritually, I have felt somewhat dulled this year.  There's been much in-fighting at our church, and while I wasn't directly involved, it had a ripple effect of distress and disillusionment on me.   We attended a Weekend to Remember couples retreat which was a deep, profound experience.   I feel parched with spiritual thirst, though, uninspired.

Day 6:

Describe one thing you'd like to achieve by this time next year. Why is this important to you?
Your Answer:
Have a correct diagnosis for what ails me, and be well underway with a treatment/management plan.

A year later:  At least have some more answers, if not "the" answer.  Celiac disease, high blood pressure and hypothyroidism, plus having my gall bladder out in emergency surgery were the biggies of the year.  I dropped gluten from my diet, and the pain, neuropathy and bloating went away.  However, it is a VERY tough diet to keep to, especially if you are on the road as much as I am.  I'm going through an adolescent rebellion right now, but eventually I'll get tired of feeling sick, bloated and sluggish, and I'll resign myself to doing what I must.

 

Day 7:

How would you like to improve yourself and your life next year? Is there a piece of advice or counsel you received in the past year that could guide you?
Your Answer:
I want to see my extended family more often. I want to work on my health. I want to exercise more. I want to slow down and breathe.

A year later:  I did none of these things.  If anything, I exercise less and have sped up my work life.  

 

Day 8:

Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully in 2012?
Your Answer:
The local food movement, and supporting local CSAs. Alternative healing that may help me deal with fibromyalgia.

A year later:  I did join a food cooperative, and love shopping there.  G said we could join a CSA next year, since we spent quite a bit on our share in the coop this year.  I've only had one massage this year, just too busy.

Day 9:

What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? How do you plan on letting it go or overcoming it in the coming year?
Your Answer:
A holdover from a past relationship that was very abusive...I am afraid of making my current partner angry, even though he would never abuse me. I am afraid to the point that I bottle my "real" self sometimes and don't share my conflicting viewpoints about things, or stand up for my own needs and wants. I need to take a deep breath and realize that this is okay to do, and in fact, necessary for my soul to survive.

A year later:  It came to a real showdown in January of this year, between G and I, a "shape up or this is over" crossroads.  I did open up, in a very real and explosive way.  I hoped that things would get better between us, and in many ways they have.  

 

Day 10:

When September 2012 rolls around and you receive your answers to your 10Q questions, how do you think you'll feel? What do you think/hope might be different about your life and where you're at as a result of thinking about and answering these questions?
Your Answer:
I hope that I"ll be on the road to better health, and have established some better eating and exercise habits, as well as self-care. I hope I'll be feeling better by then, because I don't feel very well now.

 A year later:  Still struggling.

 

Day 11:

What are your predictions for 2012?
Your Answer:
Andrew will get married.
Ben will get his first apartment.

Andrew is not married, but is unofficially engaged.  Ben is still looking for an affordable apartment that will accept his cat.

Thursday Thirteen

Welcome to my first "Thirteen" posting! 

Thirteen Positive Random Things about This Week

1.  I had  my six month review at work, and "passed" with flying colors!  Yeah me!  Also got a merit increase, which is nice and appreciated.

2.  Also got the okay to go to my first play therapy conference in the middle of September!  Very excited to start in on my certification process. 

3.  First choir rehearsal of the 2012-13 season. 

4.  First choir potluck of the year...someone made a fabulous Dorito salad that this gluten-free girl could eat, and eat I did! 

5.  My BFF, my dog Lucy...stuck by my side like glue the whole time I've been sick and in bed. 

6.  My home has multiple TVs, rooms, etc., so watching the RNC has not been a matter of being a captive audience.

7.  Lavender oil in a hot bath is relaxing aromatherapy for a sore body.  I love you, Aura Cacia!

8.  Cecilia makes delicious and healing chicken soup.

9.  I stood up for myself when I was upset about something and not getting the support I needed and deserved.

10.  I have an air-conditioned home, which was a blessing with 95 degree temps and me not feeling well.

11.  Gluten-free vegan cupcakes rock my world!  Thank you, Wheatsfield Cooperative!

12.  I don't live in Louisiana or Mississippi. 

13.  After one day back at work, I'll have a 3-day weekend in which to recover even more. 

Remember Me? I'm September (tapping on my shoulder)

September used to be kind of a cool month, in my book.  My birthday, football, fall temperatures---great stuff.  Four years ago, September became a nightmare, and I haven't really shaken it since then.

See, my father died four years ago, three days before my birthday.  It was a sudden and shocking death.  I mean, he'd had a heart attack four months prior, but had been doing well since then.  In fact, I'd just seen him over Labor Day weekend, and for the most part all was fine.  Had a great time out at the cabin near Plainfield with all of the family together.

Then he went missing while out fishing a few weeks later.  He just didn't come home.  Search parties went out.  There were dogs out trying to find Dad.  The next morning the helicopters were firing up and they finally found him, in the Cedar.  We were all so numb and in shock that quite honestly I didn't cry for a month.  We just took care of what we had to do, honored Dad as he deserved, and tried to go forward. 

I bottled things for a long time, not wanting to upset anyone, and went through bad bouts of depression, which were aggravated by seasonal affective disorder.  God, what an ugly trick to play:  coinciding Dad's death with shorter days and less sunshine.  Well played.

Every time I think that the sadness is finally gone, it taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that it's still very much there.  Of all the damned things, I about lost it in a CPR class today.  It was my first recertification since dad's death, and I didn't even put one thought into how it might affect me, much less that it would affect me at ALL.

I could not stop the tears from falling down my face, watching the video about heart attack symptoms, thinking of what pain Dad had to go through.  It's bothering me NOW, writing this.  I felt on the edge of bawling my head off, the whole loud sobbing thing, and thought about leaving the training and trying again another time.

Then I said (to myself), Buck UP.  YOU are Tim Shea's daughter, and you will STAY and FACE this, no matter how much it hurts, because you are strong.  And maybe, you'll save someone's life someday and spare them the pain.

So I did it.  And I hope you will too.  It takes so little to learn and get certified in CPR.  Please consider it. 

So "September" arrived a few days early this year.  I'm not going to bottle it anymore.  I'm going to weep and grieve.  Maybe that's what September is for, for now.  But I'm also going to try to find ways to take good care of myself, as well as ways to honor my father. 

A Room of One's Own

I'm finally creating the haven I've always wanted, in my own home this time.  The sunroom is officially mine, and I'm making a craft-yoga-reading-sewing-dreaming space all my own! 

It's the smallest room in the house, but it's perfect.  Surrounded by windows on three sides, it's sunny and breezy.  I'm painting it a creamy butter color, with a sky blue ceiling.  Not sure about curtains...certainly nothing that will block all of that gorgeous light and air.  Bamboo shades, or maybe some very sheer, floaty curtains...haven't decided.  The room overlooks what will be the patio and gardens in the backyard. 

I've already moved all of my artsy creative books in there, plus my craft table and file.  I have a TV in there, but only for yoga DVDs and to tune in music.  A favorite white chair I've had since college days is in there too.  I scoured Goodwill the other day and found the perfect pillows to go with it, plus a meditation cushion, on the cheap (my favorite way!).  I'm going to put a plant in there too...I want something living and breathing in there besides me...and I found a pot that just summed up the kind of color I'm looking for in there. 

This room will have all of my favorite colors surrounding me....greens and watery blues, lavender, buttercream...and all of my favorite soft textures.  This room is ME!!! 

I'm Not Kidding

I'm sure there are folks out there who go online and get ordained as a big joke.  You know, ha ha, call me Monsignor Bucky.  That kind of thing.

Well, for a number of years I had been curious about becoming a non-denominational officiant, and I was as serious as could be.   I loved the idea of working with families and couples to create meaningful ceremonies and rituals to mark passages in their lives.  I am Christian, but I am very appreciative of diversity in all ways, and liked the idea of honoring that by serving people in this way.

Our good friend Ron's wedding this week sealed it for me.  They brought in an officiant to marry them in a very simple ceremony at their home, and it was lovely in how it was personalized to them and their family they were blending.  The minister was very nice, but honestly, I thought I could have done it better.

So.

I did it.  I took the plunge.  And I truly felt called to do it.

I have very strong ideas of how I want to go about this.   I do NOT want to be called at the last minute to marry someone I've never met.  I want to have time to know the couple, to talk about what has led them to choose to marry each other or baptize their child or ask me to lead a funeral for their loved one.  I want to work with them to create a ceremony that will make a memory for a lifetime.   I'm also a licensed marital and family therapist, and have considered offering some premarital counseling sessions prior to marriages.  When I was a grad student, I interned at a Catholic church, offering premarital counseling, and really enjoyed it. 

I'm not jumping headfirst into this.  It took years of thought and prayer to make the decision to go forward.  It follows that I will think how I go forward from here just as carefully, insofar as how to make my services known, etc. 

So...what do you think?

Jiminy Cricket says F You!!!!

If I have to hear the term "Pinocchios" one more time, in reference to comments made by political campaigns (and ratings of the truthfulness of said comments):

I. WILL.  SCREEEEEAMMM!!!!

Fiscal Feast or Famine

I seem to have two extremes where money and spending are concerned.

I have an extremely responsible side.  Perhaps responsible to the point of miserliness.  Sometimes this can be referred to as penny-wise and pound foolish.  For example, I will do things such as not have enough clothing or not take care of something that really needs to be tended to for fear of spending money.  

The other side of this is the little things spendaholic.  I don't go on extravagant sprees for high-end items.  I agonize for a long time before purchasing expensive things.  Nope, this is more of the I'm in Target and I need 3 items mentality.  But while I'm here browsing, man, this would be awesome in my therapy room, and I'd really like a new lipstick, and oh boy, those boots are HOT!  And before you know it, I've spent $100 without even realizing it. 

And I'm great at rationalizing it.  'Cause I've got a new therapy office that rocks and I need some things; and lipstick is about my only makeup I can wear much of; and well, I'd been looking for some brown boots that fit for a LOOOONG time and these were so comfy and fashionable (they really were!). 

Having Target a block from my office is such a BAD thing!

A few sprees like that, and I'm not broke, but I'm taking money away from paying down debt quicker...or making improvements on my home that last a heckuva lot longer than that lipstick.

I need to strike a balance between deprivation and discipline.

Thinking out loud

I don't know how upset I should be about something.  Boy, does that sound weird.  Ha, I usually know exactly how pissed I simply am about things!

This is a little different.

Okay, my beloved and I knew from the beginning that we perched ourselves on very opposite sides of the political fence.  He's a staunch, lifelong Republican.  I'm......decidedly NOT.   I was a card-carrying member of NOW in college, and marched for peace, choice and whatever else there was to march for back then (good music and cold beer at the end).   We've generally managed to keep a truce state going, relying on a few political common grounds to tamp down the occasional flames.  (And we really love each other, so that helps even more.)

I'm not as politically active as I used to be.  My husband, however, is consumed by it.  He's the county chair for his party, watches Glenn Beck every day at 4pm, and so on and so forth.  He has got it in his head that because he is county chair and because I'm really not that politically active, I should not have any right to place signs for Democrat (or otherwise) candidates in our yard.  In fact, in one heated exchange, he threatened to tear up anything I put out there.  Hmmm.

Now, I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I would do nothing to publicly embarrass him, ever.  Does this qualify?  I mean, I think I had things like standing on top of a table at his overpriced chicken dinner and fancy speechifying events and shouting "Socialized Medicine!" in mind when I made that vow.   Is a sign all that bad, really?

Maybe it's the disrespect for my right as an individual to proclaim my views that's bugging me.  I don't know.  I mean, this is by no means a relationship dealbreaker.  But it does give one pause.  And the desire to shop for bumper stickers.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

 I strongly believe that God does provide for us in our need.  Our needs can be met through unusual channels, or more simply and directly, but I do feel that our needs are met if we can just trust and have faith in His workings. 

A few very specific examples come to mind, from my own life experiences.

Long ago, when I was married to my first husband and mom to two little boys, we were living basically hand to mouth.  We had very little money for our needs, and even less for any wants.   We were quite stressed about a medical bill that was hanging over our heads.  There really wasn't anywhere else to pare our budget down to pay this bill.  If I recall, we didn't even have our phone turned on at the time.  Our finances were so tight they squeaked.  I remember laying in bed at night and wondering if God had any answers for folks like us.   It wasn't long after that when I made my daily walk to the mailbox, expecting to find more bills---but this time I found a check for $400.  I could hardly believe my eyes!  That was an incredible amount of money to me then.  Apparently I had forgotten about an old insurance policy, and the cash value was now mine.  I actually cried out by the mailbox in front of God and everyone.  The relief in being able to honor our medical bill was incredible.

(Those years seem light-years away.  I sit in my lovely home now and wonder what my 20 year old self would think of all of this.)

Many years later, I found the courage to leave an abusive man after 11 years of Hell.  Even though I was scared to death and wasn't sure how I was going to support myself and my two teenage boys, I knew that I must go through with this to save our very lives.  I distinctly remember standing in the shower one night, weeping there so my boys wouldn't have to hear mom cry again, saying "God, help me."  The next day, the student clinic where I'd done my doctoral internship called me and asked if I could step in for one of their part-time counselors this semester, as she had to leave abruptly.  The job would neatly work with my other job as a teaching assistant.  It was like manna from Heaven, and it enabled me to care for my family at a very turbulent time.

Most recently, I left a job I'd had for nearly 8 years, burnt out, deeply unhappy.  In a move very unlike me, I resigned before I had my next moves planned out.  I really didn't know what I was going to do next or where.  I just knew that if I didn't leave, my soul, marriage, physical health---indeed, my life was in danger of disintegrating.  So no backup plans to fall upon, no path chosen, nothing.  I allowed myself to fall back into God's arms.  The ultimate trust exercise!  The funny thing is, I felt totally at peace and not at all afraid.  Oddly enough, a few weeks later I was offered a dream job with an agency I'd admired for a long time, and had worked in conjunction with for years.  And with that gift came the gifts of renewed health, spirit and relationship.

The Universe indeed does move in mysterious ways!

Sobering Thought

I had a really good friend back in college that I was quite close to for some time.  We had some marvelous times together, and shared some painful moments with each others' support.  However, one day he turned to me and said, "It's not healthy for us to be friends anymore.  You're too unstable, and being with you is like a rollercoaster."  I was just stunned.  It came  out of the blue and hurt terribly.  I had my moments of depression, granted, but nothing really crazy or psychotic.  I blamed myself for years for not being the kind of person who deserved his friendship.  Well...

Fast forward twenty years.  On a whim, I looked him up on Facebook.  I did find him, and his online journal.  He is on disability for his mental health disabilities, and has been for many years.  He lives hand to mouth, often relying on the kindness of strangers.  He's bitter and sarcastic and angry.  He has gone from one relationship to another, most of them unhealthy.

Yes.  And I am thriving, happy, stable and (of all things) a respected mental health therapist. 

I know now that he was probably projecting his own instability onto me.  Or heck, maybe he was protecting me from his own personal demons.  I feel only kindness towards and sadness for him now.  It hurt terribly way back when, but perhaps I dodged a big bullet with him. 

On a totally unrelated note...

Hey folks, this is what makes Sirius radio worth it to ME!!

A Charming Little Ditty

Yep, came on as the last song before I pulled into the driveway tonight.  Scarily enough, I knew the song already...Ben had played this delightful little tune for me back in his high school days, I believe.

Between that and the song and artist display for some of Ted Nugent's songs, I have mild filth well-covered as a genre in my car.  Sheesh.

Do I HAAAAAVE to? (Said with pout)

Okay, we'll just get it out right from the beginning......I FREAKING HATE EXERCISE!!!!!!

I do not like gyms.  Gyms, to me, are places for young hot things to prance around in Spandex and Lycra.  Or old farts who think they're still hot, flexing their pecs and strutting around, invariably wearing shorts way the hell too tight and leaving sweat puddles wherever they go.

I'm not fond of exercise classes, at least the ones I've been to.   See Spandex issue mentioned above, plus the competitive aspect, plus me feeling as graceful and limber as a yak.

I hate sweating.  I hate breathing hard.  I hate pain.

I feel like laying on the floor and throwing a tantrum right now.  But that would be exercise.

I think some of this comes from being totally aerobicized in the 80s and 90s.  I got so dang sick of Jane Fonda and Joannie Greggains and Denise Austin and the whole bunch.  Step aerobics?  Kiss my butt.

I know I need to exercise for my health, but why is it such a bore and a chore and a snore?

Now, I could see myself in a yoga or Pilates class, if I could find a good teacher and someone with a class that works with my schedule.  I'd love to surf.  I'd love to try aquajogging.  I'd love to go horseback riding.  I'd love to try bellydancing or Zumba.  I'd love to ride my bike around town.

But I cannot tolerate competitive atmospheres; I can't stand overly structured classes with martinet instructors; I despise repetition. 

Anyone out there care to challenge me on this?  :-)

Sssshhhhh.....

I once read that the quietest place on Earth is in a Bell laboratory.  It is a huge room, but so quiet if you drop a pin at one end of the room you can hear it clearly at the other end.  Wow.

One of my favorite quiet places is my mother's home in the middle of nowhere Iowa.  Cell phones do not work, it's so remote and tucked into the hills.  Sitting out by the pond at night and watching the stars, you can feel very small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe.  That can be scary, sometimes.  The silence can be quite...well, loud.

But if you can stay with it and ride through those feelings, it is one of the most peaceful places I have ever known. 

Bedtime Prayers

My husband and I, during times of stress, will sometimes pray together in bed at night.  It makes me feel closer to him and to God.  Sometimes, you have no power in a situation and you just have to lift it up to God.  (My personal belief)

When I sing it can be a form of prayer, even comfort.  I well remember driving home from Ames one night a couple of winters ago, after work.  I didn't realize until I reached Story City that I was driving right into a wall of wind and snow.  The roads suddenly became treacherous.  And with white knuckles on the steering wheel, I sang hymns to keep myself grounded and less scared.  At one point I even stopped singing and just prayed over and over, Please God, get me home safely.  A 45 minute trip took 2 hours, but I got home safely that night.

I don't really formally have a time of prayer each day, but instead pray throughout the day.  Sometimes my actions are a form of prayer...being totally in the moment and present and engaged with a hurting client....communing with nature....even sitting on my front porch and feeling thankful for another day put to rest. 

Things that Make me Smile

Random things....

...like driving past this fountain when I'm working in Marshalltown.  No matter what, it always brings a grin to my face!

....oh, and laughing babies and children at play.

....my fox terrier girl, Lucy, who is the best clown in the world.

Lots of things make me smile, but those are a few that come to mind immediately!

Music of My Life

When I was a baby, my father used to dance me to sleep, and play Beach Boys records.   At our father-daughter dance at my wedding with Gene, we danced to  Surfer Girl.  This song will always be "our" song.  It was a solid month after Dad's untimely death in 2008 before I could listen to ANY music again, much less the Beach Boys.

Now I can listen to them again, with joy.  And just maybe someday, I'll catch a wave!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a teenager in the 1980s, I listened to the predictable stuff---Journey, Styx, Toto, Foreigner---but unlike most of my group of friends, I started getting into something called New Wave.   I remember listening to "college radio" and reading Rolling Stone, and realizing my little world at IFHS was about to expand. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
However, when it came to choosing a first dance with Gene at our wedding, we did go back to an "old" Foreigner tune:  Our Wedding Dance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In college grunge rock came onto the scene and I will always associate bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Live, etc with those days.  Flannel, Birkenstocks, hackysack and incense....memories!  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If you took a look at our CD rack/iTune lists today, you would see music all over the map.  I love little bits of everything, from jazz to country, hip hop to classical, rap to ambient.  My main genre of choice is probably 70s rock, though.  I'm always seeking out new bands from every genre.  One of my favorite ways of doing this is to listen to sampler CDs from Amazon or to download the monthly sampler from Utne Reader magazine. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was deep in depression, these two songs resonated painfully:
 Flood and Drowning Man
(Yeah, I get the water theme.)
I would listen to these songs over and over and just sob uncontrollably.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, thankfully, depression lifted, and I'm dancing once again, and singing...

Someone once posed the question to me, would I rather be blind or deaf?  And honestly, I think I would chose to be blind.  Music means so much to me, I don't think I'd want a life without it. 

Writing it down, part deux

So now I am going to put some new dreams and thoughts into the world, and see what happens.  I guess it depends on who reads them!  I am not allowing myself to edit with "Yeah, but" here today.   I am blowing these gently and lovingly into the world like dandelion fluff.  Godspeed.

1.  I have always wanted to have a private therapy practice where I function like an old country doctor, making my rounds in the rural areas that don't have access to good, consistent mental health care. 

2.  I've always wanted to learn to play the flute.

3.  I want to learn to make a quilt that looks like a family history timeline.

4.  I've always wanted to learn more about becoming a doula.

5.  I want to learn to surf.

6.  I want to sing the National Anthem at an event.

7.  I want to go on a personal retreat to a place like Omega or Hollyhock, or a create retreat ANYWHERE with Jennifer Louden.

8.  Open....because there's always a new dream, a new #8

Write It Down & Talents

I need to make more time for my creative side.  That is, the creative side that is separate from creativity at work:  I'm always having to envision new ways of looking at things, or new interventions for clients, as a therapist.  I'm training, slowly, to become a registered play therapist, and using toys and drama and art materials are a huge part of that. 

The other side of my life, "down time", is also something I like to be full of creative pursuits.  I purposefully structure my work week so I can go to choir rehearsals.  Singing is something I am quite good at, and I love it so much.  I actually made All-State as a high school senior with very little formal training.  I think this pissed off a number of people, and at the time it bothered me, but I really could care less anymore. 

I also enjoy or have enjoyed at various points in my life:  watercolor painting; interior design; collage; repurposing and crafting; canning; gardening; calligraphy; creative writing.  I've always wanted to learn to sew and quilt. 

I had a hard time there for awhile, feeling good about myself as a creative, artistic person.  I married into a family that viewed themselves as quite artsy, and they seemed to looked down on me as stupid and dull and without talent.  (Especially one particular member of the family.)  I felt I was inferior to them, and that I had nothing to offer.  I eventually got enlightened and broke out of my shell, thank God.  I was dying slowly in that situation. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then there's "writing it down."  I strongly believe that once a word is spoken or written, it enters the universe and there's no telling what will happen next.  Dreams that are hidden stay hidden.  Dreams that are voiced have a chance to catch fire and gain momentum.  My return to college at 24 was a prime example of this.  I shyly put it out there that I wanted to go back to school, and once it was shared with one person, there was no stopping it.  My good friends rallied and encouraged me to try.  Education changed my life forever.

Take a Number

One thing that is a reality of life as a therapist is billable hours/units.  Any agency I've worked for has an expectation that you bring in a certain amount of money each month, or a "floor".  This isn't a problem for me where I am working now.  I am supported by my team, and marketing brings in plenty of clientele.

I worked at another agency, that I shall not name, that left its therapists in the lurch.  They would do absolutely nothing to market your services, stick you like an afterthought into an "office" in the middle of nowhere that wasn't conducive to providing therapy, and expect you to make a go of it.  When you inevitably would fail to reach your floor, despite fighting your damnedest, they would treat you like you were a personal failure, not just failing to make units.  It got to a point where I realized it was me or them.  If I stayed any longer, I would lose my mind.  I was close to losing my marriage and was losing my physical health.  I realized I only had value to them via numbers...however, even when I was in a different position and making them a lot of money, they never made me feel appreciated.  Ever.  Sadly, this was a Christian organization that behaved as anything but.

I am more than a number, and more than the numbers I bring in.  Yes, the reality of the business is that we have to be productive.  Agreed fully.  But it is the responsibility of the agency to support and market their talent aggressively.  And in the end...it was MY responsibility to take care of myself and bow out of a losing situation.  Best move I ever made.