Momentary Lapse of Reason...or something like that.

Yeah, so I'm back.   I do tend to dip in and out of things.  I usually loop back.  Life is not a linear thing with me.  Sometimes it's kind of like a bunch of parallel universes (is that the plural form?). The past, present and/or future sometimes line up in interesting ways.

Not really a lot to catch up with, from September to today.  Isn't that pathetic?  But it's the truth.  I do pretty much go dormant in the winter; it's just my species.  I don't really bud and bloom til there's more light and warmth. 

I wake up.  I feed the cats and walk the dog.  I drive to work.  I work (which I love dearly, but in the end it is work).  I drive home.  I eat.  I go to sleep.  Lather, rinse and repeat. 

Sometimes there are little blips on the radar.  I talk to an old friend.  I make a great find at a thrift store.  A flower blooms.  A new song. 

Other than the moments of incredible human connection that occur in my work as a therapist...I feel a little bit numb, that I'm floating through the days.  Not unhappy, just quiet.  Observant.  I'm not sure about content.  Maybe. 

Should there be more?

Ten Questions...A Year Later

I took part in a 10 day question and answer session a year ago, and had my answers emailed to me yesterday.  Quite interesting, and even a bit frustrating, to see how far I had (and hadn't) come in one year.  I thought it would be good to go through my answers from a year ago, and update them here. 

Day 1:

Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?
Your Answer:
Went back to work as a therapist full-time, after a major family team meeting grant was ended after many years. I was initially very upset, but now I'm quite grateful.

A year later:  My agency gave lip service to supporting my transition to therapy, and within six months I grew distressed enough to quit.  About three weeks later I joined another agency which on the whole has turned out to be a much better place for me to work.  

 

Day 2:

Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you're especially proud of from this past year?
Your Answer:
I wish I'd had more energy and paid more attention to my garden on a daily basis. I'm proud, though, that I've done all I could with my health issues.

A year later:  I didn't garden at all this past summer, recognizing that something had to give with the lack of energy.  I decided I'd rather not do it at all than do it half-assed.  I am proudest of the fact that I had the guts to finally walk away from a very dysfunctional workplace, even though I had nothing else on deck.

 

Day 3:

Think about a major milestone that happened with your family this past year. How has this affected you?
Your Answer:
Both of my sons are completely launched now, with full-time jobs/careers and living out of the home. I miss them both, but on the other hand, enjoy this time in my life now too.

A year later:  One son is back home, and has lived here with his girlfriend since late May.  One thing after another has happened (car problems, illness, etc) and neither of them has jobs or any plans to move as of now.  I'm glad that we can provide help for them, but I will be ready to have space and privacy again.

 

Day 4:

Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why?
Your Answer:
The economic downturn. We've been fortunate to keep our jobs in our family, but I feel like I'm surrounded by so many in pain, suffering, hopeless.

A year later:  Certainly, the economic downturn continues to be an issue.  However, the elections this year have become nasty and our home is deeply divided.

 

Day 5:

Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth.
Your Answer:
Our Lenten group this year was such a cohesive, open, sharing group, and I grew through this experience.

A year late:  Spiritually, I have felt somewhat dulled this year.  There's been much in-fighting at our church, and while I wasn't directly involved, it had a ripple effect of distress and disillusionment on me.   We attended a Weekend to Remember couples retreat which was a deep, profound experience.   I feel parched with spiritual thirst, though, uninspired.

Day 6:

Describe one thing you'd like to achieve by this time next year. Why is this important to you?
Your Answer:
Have a correct diagnosis for what ails me, and be well underway with a treatment/management plan.

A year later:  At least have some more answers, if not "the" answer.  Celiac disease, high blood pressure and hypothyroidism, plus having my gall bladder out in emergency surgery were the biggies of the year.  I dropped gluten from my diet, and the pain, neuropathy and bloating went away.  However, it is a VERY tough diet to keep to, especially if you are on the road as much as I am.  I'm going through an adolescent rebellion right now, but eventually I'll get tired of feeling sick, bloated and sluggish, and I'll resign myself to doing what I must.

 

Day 7:

How would you like to improve yourself and your life next year? Is there a piece of advice or counsel you received in the past year that could guide you?
Your Answer:
I want to see my extended family more often. I want to work on my health. I want to exercise more. I want to slow down and breathe.

A year later:  I did none of these things.  If anything, I exercise less and have sped up my work life.  

 

Day 8:

Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully in 2012?
Your Answer:
The local food movement, and supporting local CSAs. Alternative healing that may help me deal with fibromyalgia.

A year later:  I did join a food cooperative, and love shopping there.  G said we could join a CSA next year, since we spent quite a bit on our share in the coop this year.  I've only had one massage this year, just too busy.

Day 9:

What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? How do you plan on letting it go or overcoming it in the coming year?
Your Answer:
A holdover from a past relationship that was very abusive...I am afraid of making my current partner angry, even though he would never abuse me. I am afraid to the point that I bottle my "real" self sometimes and don't share my conflicting viewpoints about things, or stand up for my own needs and wants. I need to take a deep breath and realize that this is okay to do, and in fact, necessary for my soul to survive.

A year later:  It came to a real showdown in January of this year, between G and I, a "shape up or this is over" crossroads.  I did open up, in a very real and explosive way.  I hoped that things would get better between us, and in many ways they have.  

 

Day 10:

When September 2012 rolls around and you receive your answers to your 10Q questions, how do you think you'll feel? What do you think/hope might be different about your life and where you're at as a result of thinking about and answering these questions?
Your Answer:
I hope that I"ll be on the road to better health, and have established some better eating and exercise habits, as well as self-care. I hope I'll be feeling better by then, because I don't feel very well now.

 A year later:  Still struggling.

 

Day 11:

What are your predictions for 2012?
Your Answer:
Andrew will get married.
Ben will get his first apartment.

Andrew is not married, but is unofficially engaged.  Ben is still looking for an affordable apartment that will accept his cat.

Thursday Thirteen

Welcome to my first "Thirteen" posting! 

Thirteen Positive Random Things about This Week

1.  I had  my six month review at work, and "passed" with flying colors!  Yeah me!  Also got a merit increase, which is nice and appreciated.

2.  Also got the okay to go to my first play therapy conference in the middle of September!  Very excited to start in on my certification process. 

3.  First choir rehearsal of the 2012-13 season. 

4.  First choir potluck of the year...someone made a fabulous Dorito salad that this gluten-free girl could eat, and eat I did! 

5.  My BFF, my dog Lucy...stuck by my side like glue the whole time I've been sick and in bed. 

6.  My home has multiple TVs, rooms, etc., so watching the RNC has not been a matter of being a captive audience.

7.  Lavender oil in a hot bath is relaxing aromatherapy for a sore body.  I love you, Aura Cacia!

8.  Cecilia makes delicious and healing chicken soup.

9.  I stood up for myself when I was upset about something and not getting the support I needed and deserved.

10.  I have an air-conditioned home, which was a blessing with 95 degree temps and me not feeling well.

11.  Gluten-free vegan cupcakes rock my world!  Thank you, Wheatsfield Cooperative!

12.  I don't live in Louisiana or Mississippi. 

13.  After one day back at work, I'll have a 3-day weekend in which to recover even more. 

Remember Me? I'm September (tapping on my shoulder)

September used to be kind of a cool month, in my book.  My birthday, football, fall temperatures---great stuff.  Four years ago, September became a nightmare, and I haven't really shaken it since then.

See, my father died four years ago, three days before my birthday.  It was a sudden and shocking death.  I mean, he'd had a heart attack four months prior, but had been doing well since then.  In fact, I'd just seen him over Labor Day weekend, and for the most part all was fine.  Had a great time out at the cabin near Plainfield with all of the family together.

Then he went missing while out fishing a few weeks later.  He just didn't come home.  Search parties went out.  There were dogs out trying to find Dad.  The next morning the helicopters were firing up and they finally found him, in the Cedar.  We were all so numb and in shock that quite honestly I didn't cry for a month.  We just took care of what we had to do, honored Dad as he deserved, and tried to go forward. 

I bottled things for a long time, not wanting to upset anyone, and went through bad bouts of depression, which were aggravated by seasonal affective disorder.  God, what an ugly trick to play:  coinciding Dad's death with shorter days and less sunshine.  Well played.

Every time I think that the sadness is finally gone, it taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that it's still very much there.  Of all the damned things, I about lost it in a CPR class today.  It was my first recertification since dad's death, and I didn't even put one thought into how it might affect me, much less that it would affect me at ALL.

I could not stop the tears from falling down my face, watching the video about heart attack symptoms, thinking of what pain Dad had to go through.  It's bothering me NOW, writing this.  I felt on the edge of bawling my head off, the whole loud sobbing thing, and thought about leaving the training and trying again another time.

Then I said (to myself), Buck UP.  YOU are Tim Shea's daughter, and you will STAY and FACE this, no matter how much it hurts, because you are strong.  And maybe, you'll save someone's life someday and spare them the pain.

So I did it.  And I hope you will too.  It takes so little to learn and get certified in CPR.  Please consider it. 

So "September" arrived a few days early this year.  I'm not going to bottle it anymore.  I'm going to weep and grieve.  Maybe that's what September is for, for now.  But I'm also going to try to find ways to take good care of myself, as well as ways to honor my father. 

A Room of One's Own

I'm finally creating the haven I've always wanted, in my own home this time.  The sunroom is officially mine, and I'm making a craft-yoga-reading-sewing-dreaming space all my own! 

It's the smallest room in the house, but it's perfect.  Surrounded by windows on three sides, it's sunny and breezy.  I'm painting it a creamy butter color, with a sky blue ceiling.  Not sure about curtains...certainly nothing that will block all of that gorgeous light and air.  Bamboo shades, or maybe some very sheer, floaty curtains...haven't decided.  The room overlooks what will be the patio and gardens in the backyard. 

I've already moved all of my artsy creative books in there, plus my craft table and file.  I have a TV in there, but only for yoga DVDs and to tune in music.  A favorite white chair I've had since college days is in there too.  I scoured Goodwill the other day and found the perfect pillows to go with it, plus a meditation cushion, on the cheap (my favorite way!).  I'm going to put a plant in there too...I want something living and breathing in there besides me...and I found a pot that just summed up the kind of color I'm looking for in there. 

This room will have all of my favorite colors surrounding me....greens and watery blues, lavender, buttercream...and all of my favorite soft textures.  This room is ME!!! 

I'm Not Kidding

I'm sure there are folks out there who go online and get ordained as a big joke.  You know, ha ha, call me Monsignor Bucky.  That kind of thing.

Well, for a number of years I had been curious about becoming a non-denominational officiant, and I was as serious as could be.   I loved the idea of working with families and couples to create meaningful ceremonies and rituals to mark passages in their lives.  I am Christian, but I am very appreciative of diversity in all ways, and liked the idea of honoring that by serving people in this way.

Our good friend Ron's wedding this week sealed it for me.  They brought in an officiant to marry them in a very simple ceremony at their home, and it was lovely in how it was personalized to them and their family they were blending.  The minister was very nice, but honestly, I thought I could have done it better.

So.

I did it.  I took the plunge.  And I truly felt called to do it.

I have very strong ideas of how I want to go about this.   I do NOT want to be called at the last minute to marry someone I've never met.  I want to have time to know the couple, to talk about what has led them to choose to marry each other or baptize their child or ask me to lead a funeral for their loved one.  I want to work with them to create a ceremony that will make a memory for a lifetime.   I'm also a licensed marital and family therapist, and have considered offering some premarital counseling sessions prior to marriages.  When I was a grad student, I interned at a Catholic church, offering premarital counseling, and really enjoyed it. 

I'm not jumping headfirst into this.  It took years of thought and prayer to make the decision to go forward.  It follows that I will think how I go forward from here just as carefully, insofar as how to make my services known, etc. 

So...what do you think?

Jiminy Cricket says F You!!!!

If I have to hear the term "Pinocchios" one more time, in reference to comments made by political campaigns (and ratings of the truthfulness of said comments):

I. WILL.  SCREEEEEAMMM!!!!